Bonding Souls
by ddenouementt
Summary: Several weeks have passed since her death, but Emma Swan is losing her mind bit by bit. Now, after seeing and hearing her, she is positive she needs a mental institution. Not only because she's befriended her, when she's supposed to be dead, but because Emma is falling in love with a dead Regina.
1. Chapter 1

_Bonding Souls_

AN: Hello! So, this is my first fanfic for OUAT. I've written some fics for other fandoms, but here, it's my first time. So, I wanted to thank **QueenofaSwan** for being an amazing beta and helping me write this story, because seriously guys, she's great, and I hope you guys like it! I promise this is not going to be sad! (It'll be a little... But just a little.) And, just to clarify guys, This _will be_ a Swan Queen fic. VIVA LA SWAN QUEEN! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_**Soul binding**__: One of the two forms of ancient marriage. This is the most profound one, since here souls are bounded. It is made for souls that are lost and need to find each other, so the bound will only be solidified when the two become one. Souls run through specific points of your body, and, when you are bound, your body gets somehow marked on one of these points. The only two marks that are the same are the ones of two soul mates, otherwise they are always different. Usually, though, they are circular marks. Soul binding cannot be made by human hands, it only happens on special circumstances, when magic and true love is involved and there is no other option for the two lovers. This binding is so powerful it can transcend realms and even death._

* * *

That was it. It was all over. As Emma held Regina in that moment, she knew her life would never be the same. She could hear screams. It must've been Snow's. Why was Snow crying? Wasn't Regina her nemesis or something? Everything was too much. She knew Regina wasn't breathing. She knew she would not wake up. What would she do with Henry? She was _not_ a mother. She was trying, yes. But she was almost like that cool aunt that does everything the kid wants. Not a mother.

Emma couldn't think of anything else but that moment right there. The things that led to it. Snow and David running after her telling her to be careful. All she wanted to do was find Regina. And so she ran. She could hear the screams as she got closer. She could feel the tears pouring down her face. This could not be happening. Where had all this _caring_ for Regina come from? Emma didn't want to think about it. Emma couldn't think about it.

She kicked the door. The screaming stopped. Everything stopped. Time stopped. Charming charged over to Greg, who was close to the machine, operating it, and Snow took Tamara down. Emma saw all of this, but it was like she wasn't really there. She could see a table in the middle; she could see there was a person over it. She got a step closer. And another. And another.

No.

_No._

There it was. Regina. But that was not her. She was so... _not alive. _Emma couldn't even think of the _right _word. Pulse. Nothing. She sat on the table and put Regina's head on her lap. She took all the wires off of her head and started to run her hands through the brunette's hair. _It's gonna be okay._ _You're gonna wake up and you're gonna go home and be a badass mayor and make my life a living hell. You'll try to make Snow suffer and call her an idiot, and I won't tell you that I secretly agree with you. You'll try to win Henry and he'll realize that he has an amazing mother. Please._

_Please._

Her tears were falling on her shirt. She didn't care. She actually closed her eyes and wished. Wished like she did on her birthday, when she first came to Storybrooke. _It had worked once, right?_ It couldn't hurt to try again.

But it didn't work.

She felt a hand on her arm. "Emma…" Snow was looking at her with sadness in her eyes. "She's gonna wake up, don't worry. She's just doing this to annoy me, to make me feel guilty. Don't worry. She will wake up."

Neither one of the two parents had the courage to tell her anything for the next minutes.

"Emma," Charming tried to be the most caring possible, "Please… We need to go home… We need to… arrange things. I know this is hard."

"Let's just go." She tried really hard not to show any emotions. She carried Regina on her arms. She left without looking back; Greg and Tamara's bodies forgotten on the floor. Before leaving, she looked at Charming square in the eyes. He could see the anger. The fire nestled behind green orbs. "You have no idea what hard is."

* * *

There was a funeral. But Emma didn't go. She didn't help with the preparations. She wasn't the one who told Henry, either. She wouldn't go anywhere, only the apartment, the sheriff station and Granny's. Actually, she had stopped going there two days ago. All she heard was "I'm so glad she's dead, one thing less for me to worry about in the town!" She just left after that. She didn't know who said it. She didn't like it; she's not going there again. That's it.

She didn't talk to Snow, she didn't talk to Charming, and she didn't talk to Henry. To tell the truth, there was nothing to talk about. She was numb. Like a really big part of her life had changed and she didn't know what to do, so she shut off.

Henry didn't go to the funeral either. Emma could hear him cry at night, when he thought everybody was asleep. "I'm so sorry mommy…" It hurt too much. She wanted to just go to her son and hug him, tell him everything was going to be ok. But it was not. How could she tell him she got there too late, that it was actually her fault that Regina was dead? Tell him that she too, cried every night and she didn't know exactly why? She was his mother. He had every right to be sad, to mourn, and to cry. She didn't. She would just lock the door to her room and pretend she didn't hear. During the day, Henry started pretending. Pretending that he was happy, pretending that he didn't feel alone, that he didn't miss her, that he didn't think it was her fault. Maybe if he pretended enough it would become true. She knew that because she was doing the same thing.

Her days became a routine. Wake up. Go to the station. Pretend to do something. Go home. Pretend to be happy. Eat something Snow made. Pretend that everything is normal. Go to sleep. Wake up. The funniest part of it all was that there was a time she truly thought that Regina dying would make everything better. But it didn't. It did the exact opposite, actually. It made her worse. Drowsier. Weaker. Hopeless.

Something strange happened too. She realized it almost a week after the funeral. All around her belly button a strange mark appeared. Like a scar circling it. She didn't remember cutting herself or anything. She had no idea how that could just appear there. It was white and… round. There was no other way to describe it. And the strangest thing of it wall was that sometimes it burned. Sometimes, just a little, enough to make it scratch. And sometimes so much, usually at night, that she would scream from the pain. She had no idea what it was, or what it meant. She didn't like to think about it either. She didn't like the idea of it being another _savior thing._

Three weeks after the funeral, the blonde finally got the courage to go the cemetery. When she got there, all she wanted to do was turn around, run and never look back. From the cemetery, this town, her family, the memories. But she walked straight ahead. When she found gravestone, it was like something inside of her snapped. All the fear, anger, sadness, everything came to her at the same time. And then she broke down, and cried. She fell to her knees, cursing Regina, cursing this town, her mother, her father, everything. It was all too much. She was so angry all the time, so full of regrets… What if she had gotten there a little earlier? She could have saved Regina, and nothing of this would happen. She didn't understand why it all had to happen to her. She started screaming, till she lost all her forces.

Emma didn't know how much time she stayed there. Minutes? Hours? She stayed until she was so tired she couldn't feel the sadness and the anger boiling inside of her. When she got up she looked around her, her eyes fell on the tomb. An urge to enter it and find out what Regina kept there struck her, but she didn't know why. She wasn't going through a dead woman's things. _I'm just curious to see what that bitch was hiding here_. _That's all._ She opened the tomb and entered without a second thought. She remembered Henry saying something about there being a secret passage beneath a coffin. It wasn't too hard to find.

She descended the stairs to the next room. It was a mess there. Clothes littered the floor everywhere; boxes, vaults and herbs where just a few of the things scattered around. She started paying more attention. She realized then, that those clothes were Cora's. _Damn it._ Regina hadn't been there since Cora's death. She hadn't apologized to Regina for not believing her. She let the woman go without telling her how sorry she was that she made her lose Henry; that she made her lose everything. More regrets added to the pile she was already building. She left Cora's things untouched, and went to the other side, and that's when she saw it. Lots of little vaults attached to the wall. _The hearts._ She took step after step in the direction of them like she was hypnotized. She opened one box. _A random one._ There it was. Red. Alive. Pulsating. It was beautiful. She couldn't take her eyes off of it. She felt a kind of power run through her that made her forget the anger and fear. It was almost a toxic situation. She had the life of a person in her hand. A random person she didn't even know.

"Really, Miss Swan, going through the things of a dead woman?"


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Hello again! So, wow, I'm amazed at the response it got! Really guys, thank you for everyone who reviewed, favorited and followed! I also wanted to thank **dannystar9, **for helping me with ideas for the plot and helping me figure things out the best way. Thanks again for my wonderful beta **QueenofaSwan, **she's amazing for putting up with me and my crazy ideas, seriously. I hope you guys like this chapter! If anyone has anything to ask about the story, you can PM me or go to my tumblr, **reginaswanmills**. So, Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"In a mad world, only the mad are sane."_  
**Akiro Kurosawa**

* * *

She dropped the heart from the shock.

She knew that voice, but it was not possible. It couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. She turned around, and there she was.

"Regina?"

"I suggest you put that heart back where you took it from before someone dies from your stupidity." She said, just looking at Emma, like she being there was normal. How was this possible?

"Am I crazy?" the blonde said, after getting the heart and putting it back inside the box.

"I hope not. I just woke up, and I don't want my first vision after death being one of a crazy woman."

"Aren't you, like… dead?" Emma almost screamed. Something akin to panic was taking hold of her.

"I'm pretty much dead, Miss Swan." She said, rolling her eyes, like the blonde had just said the stupidest thing she ever heard.

"Then what are you doing here Regina? This is crazy!"

"I have no idea, dear. Believe me, if it was my choice, I wouldn't be here either."

Emma was silent after that. It was only a few moments, but the silence was so deafening it felt like hours.

"I must be dreaming, that is it!"

"What?" Regina held a confused expression at Emma's sudden outburst.

"Yeah, I'm leaving, then I'm going to my bed, and sleep, because then, I'll truly wake up, and this nightmare will be over." Emma started pacing around, not knowing what to do.

"Really, Miss Swan, that's what you're going with?" She quirked an eyebrow, finding Emma's reaction really amusing.

"Yeah… It must be it…" Emma turned around to leave the place, muttering under her breath that all she needed to do was wake up. Suddenly, she felt something creeping up behind her. When she turned, Regina was following her.

"No! You stay here! You can't go after me like a ghost or something!" She was screaming, and Regina was trying to suppress a laugh. This whole situation was just absurd.

"Are you serious? Right now, you are the only one I am sure I can communicate with and you can see me. Of course I'm going after you!"

Emma didn't discuss with her after that, and they walked the rest of the way in silence, the sheriff deep in thoughts, trying to pretend Regina wasn't there, and the ex-Mayor was seriously trying not to disturb the woman.

She didn't remember what happened when she died. Everything went black, and after that, what she remembers is Emma holding one of her hearts. And now there she was, following the blonde.

As soon as Emma exited the tomb, she tried running. But found that she couldn't, her body just wouldn't obey her. It was like she was connected to Emma, and she hated it. Maybe that was her punishment, being trapped to the infuriating woman for the whole eternity. Or maybe she had been cursed. By Rumplestiltskin or her mother. Whatever it was, she had no choice but to follow.

Emma was thinking if she was going crazy. Maybe all the guilty, anger and isolation had finally taken its toll on her and she started seeing things. But it sounded so much like Regina… It even looked like her. She hoped that if she pretended the woman wasn't there she'd go away. But it didn't work. What could she do, to make Regina would go away? She was already making a plan. First she'd go home and try to sleep it off. Then she would think about it later.

When she got home she didn't even hear Snow calling out for her. She didn't even hear Regina calling out for her. She went straight to bed and closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to take her.

* * *

She woke up 8 hours later. She was feeling better than she had in weeks. Since Regina's death, to be more precise. _Regina._

She shot up on the bed, to see if the woman was still there. Not seeing anything, she sighed and got up. Relieved, she started taking off her clothes to take a bath. Knowing that she wasn't actually crazy made her day a lot better.

"Please tell me you don't just take your clothes off in front of everyone. I don't want my son scarred for life."

Emma almost jumped at the interruption.

"Jesus, Regina, can you please, stop doing that?" Turning around, she saw the woman sitting in a chair by the corner of the room. And then it hit her.

_Shit._

She was really crazy.

"You're not supposed to be here!" The younger woman said, her voice getting high pitched by the end. This whole thing was making her feel like she someone was pulling a prank on her or something.

"I know. I was thinking the exact same thing."

"I mean, really, Regina, I'm not crazy! You are dead, I can't be seeing you."

"It's not my fault if I'm trapped with you, Miss Swan. Believe me; I have better things to do than being here with you."

Emma didn't say anything, but all she could think of for some moments was what a dead woman could do.

"So… Is it really you?"

"No, I'm actually Gold." Regina rolled her eyes unamused. "Of course it's me."

Emma ignored the snarky comment. "So… Why didn't you go to the light, or to heaven, or hell for all I care? Why are you still here?"

"I think this might be the punishment for my crimes. Or I might be cursed." The woman said, crossing her legs. It was like she wasn't even remotely bothered by the whole situation.

"Why me?"

"I said it was a punishment. If it was a blessing, I'm sure I wouldn't be here, dear."

Emma sighed. There was nothing she could do. For now. "Please, don't follow me into the bathroom."

* * *

Two days later Emma had an idea, and it _had_ to work.

She went to the local church and bought some stuff; then went straight home. The whole time Regina was by her side asking what the hell the blonde was doing. She didn't answer.

When they got home, Emma asked Regina to wait in the bedroom while she started the preparations for "the ritual" as she started calling it. Emma was getting ready for a big fight, but Regina just said yes and went to the room.

Half an hour later the blonde went after the brunette, and found her at Henry's room, sitting in his bed, with a blank expression. She didn't want to think too much of it, she just wanted to get on with this _situation_ so it would all end soon.

"Uh… Regina? Can you come here?" Emma said, feeling really nervous.

Regina went after the blonde, feeling that something was wrong. She had never seen the younger woman nervous. Well, maybe once or twice, but almost never.

When they got to the kitchen, she almost started laughing. Emma's laptop was over the table open in a page called "How to Perform an Exorcism", and beside it there was a vial labeled "Holy Water" and a wooden cross. When they were in front of the table, she realized Emma was mumbling something. Paying more attention she realized Emma was… praying?

"Uh… God, I don't really know if there is a God, because if there was I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be in this fucking situation… Sorry about the fucking part. But I need to ask forgiveness for my sins so I can do this. So… that's it. Bye"

Regina was trying really hard not to laugh now. Emma got hold of the cross, pointing it at Regina at the same time she got the vial and started to throw the water at the other woman.

"In the name of God, Demon, leave this body and let this woman go on to where she is supposed to go!"

That's when Regina lost it. She started laughing so hard she even started crying. Emma tried again, screaming louder this time.

"Jesus, I ask you to cast out all and any evil spirits that are inside this body!"

"Really Miss Swan? I'm still here, if you didn't realize after the first time" Regina said, between laughs.

The water ended, Regina kept laughing. Emma threw the wooden cross at the brunette and locked herself in the bathroom for the rest of the day.

* * *

A week later, after everybody went to sleep, Emma and Regina where watching TV, sitting side by side on the sofa. She had kind of gotten used to the presence of the brunette. Not being alone all the time was comforting, and Regina's presence had a somewhat calming effect on Emma, not that she would ever admit it. That didn't mean she didn't want the woman gone.

There was a Supernatural episode on, and halfway through it, Emma had a great idea.

She went running to the kitchen. Regina didn't pay attention; she got used to the blonde's sudden outburst where she went running around doing something. The blonde had only four "modes" in which she operated: 1. she was either tired all the time, 2. full of energy like a hyperactive squirrel, 3. so hungry she could eat a horse, or 4. so drunk she could think a horse was a dog.

"Regina! Could you come here?" She heard the blonde calling her. There was something weird about her voice. She was too... sweet. But she went anyway.

"What?"

And suddenly all she could see was Emma running around her and then going to the sofa again giggling like a little girl. She could see the blonde celebrating, and she didn't understand a thing. She tried to walk but felt like she was stepping on something. She looked down.

_Oh God._

_Not again._

There was a salt circle around her. She took a deep breath and stepped out of it. The closer she got to the sofa, the clearer she could hear the blonde saying something like "oh yeah, I finally got that bitch". She just sat down and looked at Emma. "Really, Miss Swan?"

The blonde paled. Visibly paled. She looked at Regina like she couldn't believe her plan didn't work. In that moment she could've started crying. Then she heard a weird noise in the kitchen and Snow's voice filled the room.

"Emma? Why is there a salt circle on the floor?"

* * *

Almost two weeks had gone by after the salt accident, and Emma hadn't done anything. She was tired of fighting Regina. After all, having the brunette there was not that hard. She could be a pain, of course, but she also helped her when she didn't know what to do about Henry, she also taught her how to cook and had to listen to the blonde talking even if she didn't want to. It was not all that bad, but she had to try, at least one more time.

She had seen it in a documentary on Discovery Channel once, how alcohol could purify you from bad spirits that might be onto you. So, she bought some beers, vodka and tequila. She was doing it today because Henry was with Neal watching a movie and Snow and Charming had gone somewhere for the weekend, Emma didn't want to know where, in a romantic getaway.

So, at the end of the day all the bottles were on the table and the radio was on.

"Are we having a party?" Regina asks, standing in the other side of the table.

"No." The blonde said seriously. "I'm purifying my body. If I'm pure, you can't stay here anymore."

Regina just sighed. She was getting really tired of arguing with her.

So, Emma started drinking. First tequila, then vodka, then beer. She would take a shot of each one and then a can of beer.

After an hour, the blonde couldn't stand anymore. Regina was laughing, sitting on one of the stools just looking at Emma. The blonde had been screaming at her for the last fifteen minutes, telling her this was all her fault, and then, suddenly, she stopped.

"Oh my god." The younger woman went to the radio and turned the volume up to its max. "This one is for you Regina."

The older woman crossed her legs and kept staring at her. The blonde started singing, or rather trying to and failing miserably.

"_Look inside__  
__Look inside your tiny mind__  
__Now look a bit harder__  
__Cause we're so uninspired,__  
__So sick and tired__  
__Of all the hatred you harbor_"

Emma was using a bottle of beer as a microphone, and Regina was pretending like that was the best show she had ever been to. The blonde couldn't sing, at all, but at least it was really entertaining. She tried not to pay too much attention to the lyrics. Emma probably meant it, but she was too drunk to be taken seriously. The next part of the song she spent giggling trying to recover herself.

"Ok, now it's the big part!

_Fuck you  
Fuck you very, very much  
Cause we hate what you do  
And we hate your whole crew  
So please don't stay in touch_

_Fuck you  
Fuck you very, very much  
Cause your words don't translate  
And it's getting quite late  
So please don't stay in touch_"

"Miss Swan, I really hope you don't use this language in front of my son." She was trying to sound all serious but couldn't. Emma had already fallen on the floor two times, and she couldn't suppress the laughs anymore.

"Why don't you go away Regina? Why? I'm trying so hard to make you go away… I don't want us to be friends. You are dead. It'd be so much easier if you're not here…"

"What is easier is not always what is best, Miss Swan."

* * *

Emma hadn't talked to Regina for four days. Four days that she was giving Regina the cold shoulder. And the brunette had no idea why.

Emma knew though. She had been so isolated from everyone in the city; so withdrawn in fact that her only friend was a dead woman. She couldn't be Regina's friend. She couldn't feel comforted by the woman's presence. She couldn't get used to her. She just couldn't, and she hoped that the older woman would get tired and leave her. This was her last chance.

Four days, and she was trying really, really hard. After the third day Regina stopped trying to talk to her, but she never left. She missed the brunette's voice, and also their conversations. But she needed her gone more than anything.

Every night the brunette would go with her to Henry's room while she tucked him in. She never said anything. She just watched, and left, without saying anything. But that was normal, Regina not saying anything when Henry was around. The weird thing was, trying to cook and having the brunette say nothing. Not hearing the older woman hum while she was reading a book. Not hearing her snarky comments every time Snow was around. That's what made the most difference.

In the fifth day, she went to Henry's castle before picking him up from school. Regina sat by her side looking lazily at the waves.

Emma sighed. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Are we really stuck together? Forever?"

"I don't know about forever, but maybe for a long time."

"Till when then?"

"Maybe until I don't need to be here anymore."


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hi again guys! So, everyone saw the finale? All the feelings I'm having from it! And the magic touch asdfghjkfhgsafdgasjd

Ok so, biggest chapter so far! And I'd suggest you read the last segment of the chapter listening to _Kiss Me_ by Ed Sheeran (/watch?v=kFfKb_WEkCE). Only if you want to, but let me tell you, that song gave me all the feels...

And guys, do any of you have any idea of what is happening? I got a couple of pretty good guesses, but still not there. So, shoot me with your thoughts!

Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."_

**Deborah Reber**

* * *

It had been two months since Regina died.

Time seemed to be melting together, but they got closer and closer to each other every day. Emma couldn't believe what was happening.

Regina had become her best friend.

That was already something weird, but the woman being dead was even weirder. But it didn't matter. Regina was all Emma needed. Even though she was dead, she was the best friend Emma ever had.

They did everything together, but Emma wasn't sure it was because she wanted to, or because Regina couldn't leave her side. Of course there were some rules. Regina wouldn't get into the bathroom with Emma, whenever she would take a shower. She also had to turn around every time Emma needed to change, what Regina thought was extremely stupid.

Regina would spend most of the nights at Henry's room, but, sometimes Emma had nightmares, and those nights, she would try to wake the younger woman up, and when she did, the blonde looked at her with big eyes, full of fear.

After some moments, realizing everything had passed, she would smile sleepily at Regina "I'm so glad you're here… I know you're protecting me" and would just pass out again.

Regina never asked about Emma's nightmares. Emma never even said a word. They also never talked of what happened every time she woke up from them, but Regina didn't know if it was because the blonde really didn't want to talk or she didn't remember.

At one point, they also became more honest with each other. It was really hard for both of them to open up and bring their past up, but it was just little details they shared over the days when they had nothing to do. The important matters would be left aside and never touched.

Regina had made Emma go to her house and get some stuff for Henry and the blonde could get some things for herself too, if she wanted. Emma ended up snatching some of the mayor's shirts and coats. Some of her perfume too, but the blonde made sure the other woman didn't know about that one. Regina asked the sheriff to take her cook book and some kitchen utensils too, so it'd be easier to teach her.

It was one of Emma's favorite activities to do with the brunette. Regina was really patient with her. She would explain everything to the minimum detail, even how she had to cut things so it would cook properly.

One day Emma wanted to cook some kind of desert, and Regina suggested a pie, an apple pie. And Emma accepted. So they started cooking.

It was really messy.

"Ok, for the dough this is all I need, and for what goes inside, that is all I need… right?" The blonde said, pointing at two different sides of the table where everything was already divided.

"Yes dear. Now you need to start the dough." Regina said, sitting in a chair on the other side of the table.

"Okay… How do I make it?" the sheriff was afraid that she'd do something wrong, but she was pretty confident that Regina would indeed teach her everything.

So, Regina started directing Emma through the process of cooking, telling her how much of each ingredient was needed and where. Making the dough was fairly easy; taking off the fact that now, half of the kitchen was covered with flour, including Emma herself.

"Now, dear, you need to slice the apples. Please, be careful, I don't think anyone would hear me scream if you cut your finger off."

Regina was standing right beside the blonde now, in the counter, to make sure the blonde did everything according to the recipe. The problem is, that, Regina being so close to her was distracting, to say the least.

She would look over at Regina, to see her reading the cook book, and tell her something. She looked the way the brunette's eyes sparkled, like just being there made her immensely happy. The blonde wasn't paying attention to what she was doing, until Regina screamed.

"Emma! I told you to be careful!"

When the other woman looked down, there was a trail of blood on her finger and a small cut. Now that she saw it, it did hurt.

"Go wash your finger and put a Band-Aid on it and come back. We can't use these apples now! They are all dirty with your blood!"

"Relax, woman! It's not like I'm going to die, and you have an apple tree at your place, so there's plenty of apple for us to use."

After Emma came back and cleaned up, she started slicing new apples. She put them on a pan with sugar and let it cook. After all the apples were ready and the dough being already on the pie dish, she put the filling over it, and putting a small part of dough over it, she put it in the oven.

Emma was tired. She kinda liked cooking, but it was hard for her because she had to think too much, so she was always exhausted after cooking something.

But the cooking itself wasn't it. What she really liked was spending time with the brunette and being able to do for something her she couldn't do anymore. Seeing the way she smiled every time the blonde did something right, or the way her lips pursed every time she did something wrong.

Everything about the brunette made her feel at ease and oddly comforted, and even though she didn't talk about it (she didn't even think about it), she loved how she felt around Regina.

"So, why did you learn to cook?"

"When you are stuck in a town for 28 years, you need to fill your time with something. Cooking was one of the things I ended up liking and I wanted to learn everything. I'd do a new dish for every meal, even if it was just for me. And after Henry, at first I'd still cook new things, mostly for him to try out. But then, after some years he started to like some dishes more than the others, and I forgot how to cook some of the things, but everything is in my book."

"Oh… Cool." Emma loved to hear Regina's stories; she just usually didn't know how to respond. But they had made an agreement: a fact for a fact. Now it was time for the blonde to share.

"When I first left the system, I was sixteen, and I had run away. I mostly stole stuff from small grocery stores and restaurants and stuff; then, a little after that I found Neal. And he was the one that could cook. I didn't need to do anything. We would steal things together, and when something needed to be cooked, he would do it."

"I really hope your primitive way of living doesn't rub off on my son, Miss Swan."

The blonde ignored the comment and continued. "In prison, you didn't have to cook, and when I left, I would get temporary jobs. When I got the money I needed, I would leave for the next place. At first, I usually worked at fast food restaurants or some small café. They were the easiest place to work, and I kinda liked it."

The blonde smiled, like remembering something from a faraway time. Regina kept listening to her, with all the attention in the world.

"At Tallahassee, there was this guy that worked at computer hacking; he went every day to the café. He would just sit there, order a coffee and do his thing on the computer. 'Till one day I asked him what he was doing. And I don't know why, but he just smiled and told me everything. What he did and how he did it. Well, after that we kinda became friends. Like, I couldn't just hear a guy say that he could invade the government's files and just pretend that I don't know him, you know?"

Regina laughed out loud at that. Emma looked at the brunette surprised. She had heard the brunette laugh several times during the last two months, but it was still something new. The rich, beautiful laugh never ceased to amaze her. And she loved hearing it.

After it stopped, she took a deep breath and went on "It was that way until I fell into bounty hunting. Then, I had no time for anything. I was always chasing someone."

"Emma?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you telling me this? What's the point of this?"

"Oh…" The younger woman just stared at her hands. When she looked up at the other woman, she had a big smile on her face. "I just wanted to explain why I never learned to cook."

Regina laughed again at that, and Emma couldn't help herself, she started laughing too. They stood some minutes there, just laughing at each other, until the timer of the oven started beeping.

When Emma was cutting the pie, Snow entered the house, bringing some groceries.

"Oh, Emma, this smells amazing! What did you cook this time?"

"Apple pie! Do you want some?"

The blonde couldn't stop the laugh at the un-amused look in her mother's face.

* * *

The next day, Regina asked Emma if they could go to the library. Regina missed reading some books, so she asked if the blonde could get her favorite books and read them for her.

So, there they were, at Emma's lunch break from the station, going through the romance isle of the library.

"Seriously, Regina… cheesy novels?"

"What, Miss Swan? Just because I don't have a love life doesn't mean I can't read about other people's affairs."

Emma giggled a little at that. Regina saw something on the shelves and her eyes sparkled. Oh, she wanted _that_ one. She crept behind the other woman and pointed at the book on the shelf.

"No, no, no, Regina! You can't make me pick that one."

"Oh yes, you are getting me that one because I said so!"

"And I said I won't! No!"

"Emma, please" Regina looked at Emma with her best puppy dog eyes. _Oh crap. _How was she supposed to know that the brunette could be this persuasive?

She reluctantly took the _fucking_ book home, cursing the entire way.

* * *

That night, Emma sat on the bed with the book on her lap as the other woman sat by her side. She was still trying to convince Regina that she didn't want to read the book.

"But Regina, this thing sucks!"

"Emma, I'm not about to discuss with you! It's a book! If I could read it alone, you know I wouldn't ask you to do it!"

"Damn it, woman! Couldn't you get something a little less... I don't know, sparkly?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? You are calling a book sparkly?"

"I know the guy sparkles, okay! Let's just read the damn thing."

Regina smiled at her victory relaxing against the headboard while the blonde opened the book.

Emma always acted the voices when reading. She had read a short story once for Regina and she found that somehow heart warming, even if she would never admit that.

She found out also, after watching the blonde read the paper every morning, that she would always rant and criticize everything she was reading. And it was the most adorable thing she had ever seen.

The blonde didn't even get past the second page.

"Ugh, Regina, I can't believe you are making me read Twilight! This thing is the worst and this girl is stupid! I can't go on."

She looked at Emma with pleading eyes. "Just one more page, please."

She sighed and started reading again.

"Oh wow, this girl is _so special_ because she doesn't fit in and she is not tanned or popular or stuff! Welcome to the real world darling, not everyone excels at life, sometimes people just suck! I can't with this shit!" She said, turning another page. Regina just looked at her while she read, taking in every face the blonde made.

Regina actually couldn't care less about what book Emma was reading, she just wanted to hear the other woman's voice and take in every little detail she could find out about her while she was doing that. She just realized that a book the blonde didn't like would take that out of her a lot faster. She couldn't hide her smile at the indignant huff the blonde let out every time she turned the page.

"Seriously, the way she describes them they are more like zombies. I don't know how she thinks they are attractive, seriously! This fucking book..."

"Regina! The guy sparkles! He fucking sparkles! And this girl is just so stupid!"

"This is just so ridiculous, Regina. I'm going to sleep."

Half of the book was already gone. The other half the blonde finished in two hours in the station.

* * *

A week later Emma had read all the books of the series. Every time she opened one she started complaining to Regina about how much it sucked, but kept reading.

Emma had planed a Twilight marathon for that afternoon, since it was Neal's weekend to be with Henry. She got the first two movies on Netflix and made some popcorn. Regina giggled a little seeing Emma's computer.

"A Twilight marathon, huh?"

"Shut up. This is all your fault." She got a mouthful of popcorn, just eating everything and taking the laptop to the couch so she could sit. Regina went after her, sitting by her side.

They stayed half of the movie like that. They didn't move. They didn't say a word. Until Regina heard a strangled sob.

"Emma... Are you crying?" The brunette was surprised. Even though she knew the other woman started to like the books she pretended to hate, she wasn't prepared for that.

She just started crying harder after that. "Please don't look at me."

"Are you okay?"

"Of course not, I'm crying!"

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Regina this is so horrible, I can't watch this anymore!"

"That's why you're crying?"

"No! I don't know why I'm crying!"

"Emma... Are you on your period?"

"What? No! Just... Shut up Regina! This is all your fault!"

* * *

They were both sitting at the castle. That had become their place when they wanted no one to bother them. Emma was just looking at the sky and thinking.

"So... I can't touch you?"

"I don't think so, no."

"My hand will just go through you if I try to touch you, like in one of those ghost movies or something?" She finally looked at Regina. Her eyes had a certain fear and a bit of hope.

"Why don't we try that theory?" Regina said, a small smile playing on her lips. She would never admit it, but she missed being touched. She missed human warmth. She missed having _real_ a body.

She and Emma had been avoiding touching each other. But she was eager to try. She wanted to feel the other woman's touch so much, she couldn't even begin to express it.

They were looking at each other eyes. Regina's smile faltered as Emma's hand approached her face. And then it stopped. And she felt a kind of shiver inside. She had to look down to realize Emma was indeed touching her. But she couldn't _feel_ it. She couldn't feel anything besides that.

She cursed all the gods that there was to curse. All she wanted was to feel the comforting touch of the blonde, to feel her beside her, to feel like she mattered, like she was loved. She knew she'd get all of that, if only they could touch.

"Do you... feel anything?" She hoped that at least Emma could feel it. She hoped with all her being she could.

"No."

The blonde's thumb was brushing Regina's cheek. They were a breath away from each other's and Emma realized Regina didn't breathe. The brunette realized she couldn't feel Emma's breath. They could feel that shiver inside of them, from the touch, but that was it.

It was like Regina was just a glass, just a surface that was there, just a thing, not an actual person. It was not like the brunette was really a person, and knowing that almost broke the blonde's heart.

It was the dreadful confirmation that Regina was indeed dead; that her best friend was indeed dead. Most of the time she spent pretending that everything was normal. She felt the guilt she had abandoned creeping it's way into her again and settling like a massive rock over her stomach.

They held each other's hand feeling the shivers run up their arms.

* * *

"Miss Swan, you know that if it depended on me, I wouldn't be asking you!"

"No, Regina, I'm not taking you there."

"I need to."

"No."

"Emma, I demand you take me there!"

"It's still a no, Your Majesty"

"Emma... I just want to talk to my mother... please."

And so they went to the Mills tomb.

When they got there, Regina asked the other woman to stay outside. She complied, but the door stayed open. Emma couldn't see what was inside, but she could hear everything.

Her heart ached at hearing the strangled sobs of the brunette. All she wanted to do in that moment was to go inside and soothe her.

"I miss you so much, mommy... I'm glad I'm now living with Emma. I hated that house. All I could see there was you. Your clothes, your smell, everything reminded me of you, and I couldn't take it anymore. But... I also hate living with her, because it means I'm still here, and I wish I had really died, mommy. Because maybe, I could find you and you and I would be together. Finally together, with nothing stopping us, not even your heart."

Her voice cracked and more sobs left the broken woman's mouth.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't avenge you, mother. But..." Her voice cracked for a moment and she had to take a few breaths before speaking again. "I think I'm here to let you go. I'm here to let this pain go. All the pain you caused me, all the pain we both endured. I'm here to let you go, mommy, because I need to move on. Holding onto pain will not help me with that. I know it is too late for me to do this, but you have to know that all I ever wanted was to be good enough for you. For you to love me. But now... You are not here anymore. And the fact is, neither am I."

Minutes passed and the blonde didn't hear anything. Then Regina left the tomb. Emma couldn't look at her. It's not that she was pitying the woman. She was afraid to admit to the her that she had invaded her privacy. She felt like she was intruding in a moment that was supposed to be between Regina and her mother. She didn't want to tell the brunette that she had heard everything, but Regina didn't need to see her face to know it all.

* * *

When they got home, no one was there yet. The tension hanging in the air was strong, and neither of them had said anything after leaving the cemetery. Regina stood on the kitchen corner, looking at nowhere, while the blonde turned up the radio, so music could fill the uncomfortable silence. They stayed liked that till the song changed.

"I really like this song." Regina's voice was small. Like she was afraid of saying anything.

Emma just smiled and walked up to her and extended her hand. "My Queen, would you give me the pleasure of this dance?"

Regina gave her a shy smile and took her hand. They got closer to each other, Emma putting her arms around the brunette's waist, and she rested her head on Emma's shoulder. They kept moving around slowly until Regina started singing.

"_Heart beats fast_

_Colors and promises_

_How to be brave_

_How can I love when I'm afraid to fall_

_But watching you stand alone_

_All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow"_

Every place the brunette touched was like a series of little electric shocks happened in the blonde. All she wanted in that moment was to feel Regina's warmth, to feel her whole. She wanted to be able to pretend for even a second that Regina wasn't really dead. But she couldn't. So she tried to give her what she could.

She hugged Regina closer, and started whispering in her ear.

"_I have died every day waiting for you_

_Darling don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_"

She heard the sobs coming from the brunette, but never felt any tears. She tried to hold her closer. In that moment, all she wanted was for Regina to feel good. Safe. Loved.

They kept moving while the song was playing, both holding onto each other as hard as they could to see if they could feel something. But they couldn't.

That didn't mean they wouldn't keep trying.

* * *

There they were again at the castle. It was Emma's lunch break, and she wanted some air. She had barely talked to Regina the past few days. Not because she was avoiding her, but because she had been thinking a lot. About them, about what was happening, about had happened.

Regina, on the other hand, gave her space. It was hard; being trapped there with Emma. She didn't like being trapped in something. Her whole life she had been trapped.

First by her mother, then by King Leopold, then by her labels as Evil Queen, then by Snow White, then by this town. She was never free. And now she is dead, and she is still not free. Sometimes, all she wants to do is run away from the blonde.

She didn't want her death to be like this. She didn't want to be punished no more.

Being there with the blonde in the last two months had turned to be the exact opposite.

Why, then, did she still feel trapped?

"I'm sorry."

Regina turned to watch her. Emma kept her eyes on the waves. The brunette didn't know what the other woman was talking about, but it looked like she was going to finish, so she just waited.

"I'm sorry you're still here, I know you didn't want to. I'm sorry that I let you die. I'm sorry I didn't find Tamara and Greg first. I'm so sorry about what Snow did to Cora. That was completely cruel and ruthless, and she did it for her own selfish motives. She's no better than you Regina. "

Regina was stunned. She wasn't expecting that, but before she could say anything, Emma went on.

"I'm sorry about Archie. I should've believed you, not in the memories of some dog. I knew in that moment that not only had I lost you, but you had lost yourself, and I'm so sorry about that. I'm so sorry about not giving you a chance.

I know better than anybody how hard it is to change, and I just kept throwing your progress out of the window, treating it like you could never change. I'm sorry about what happened with Daniel, and I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you get through it. Losing your love once is the worst pain imaginable... But losing it twice? I think that would be close to death. And still, no one held you and told you everything would be okay, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to do that for you.

I'm sorry for Henry's attitude towards you, and I'm well aware that that is partially my fault. I'm sorry for stealing him, too. I'm sorry for not telling you I was taking him to New York. I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past. I'm sorry about what Cora did to you, about what Rumplestiltskin did to you. I'm really, really sorry Regina."

Regina breath was caught in her throat. She didn't know what to do.

"I wish so much that I could feel you. So I could show you how sorry I am, how stupid I am. I wish so bad that I could change all the pain you've ever felt. I wish I could be there for you. But most of all, right now, I wish I could kiss you."

Emma never turned to Regina during her rant. Not even once. If she had, she would see the same wishes reflected on the brunette's eyes, and all the love that was residing there.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Oh, guys, I'm so sorry for how long it took! Like, first I had this article for college to make and now this week we are holding here the International Brecht Society Symposium... So, my college life is a little crazy. But still, here I am with a new chapter!

So this chapter is where we start to move forward on the plot of the story.

I hope you all enjoy!

**Trigger warning for this chapter: **mentions of rape (nothing too explicit).

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." _

**Marilyn Monroe**

* * *

Regina thought that her and Emma's friendship was going to be shaken up after the younger woman apologized to her and made her confession. But it didn't. They made a silent agreement to ignore it, just like they ignored everything that was important.

Emma would never shut up when she was with Regina. The brunette had the distinct impression that she was trying to distract her of something, but she really didn't care, because she loved all the attention she was getting from the blonde.

Regina had stopped commenting on the things Snow and Charming did. She just kept beside Henry watching whatever he did when there was a family dinner, like some kind of guardian angel. She would watch him eat from afar, reminding herself of scolding Emma for not reminding him of eating his vegetables.

She would cheer him whenever he played videogame against Charming, screaming so much that Emma would flinch. She'd watch him sleep, and watch him wake up. She'd watch Emma take him to school, smiling when he made a comment for Emma to stop kissing him in front of everybody because it made him uncomfortable.

This Regina watched, all from the background. Without being noticed, without being really there. Just thinking about that made her want to leave this half life she was leaving.

But it all seemed worth when, in the not so hot (but hot for Maine) morning of August. She was sitting in the stool beside Emma, congratulating her for the blueberry pancakes she did all on herself, when Henry came running down, mumbling a "good morning" for Emma, sitting in a stool and stuffing his mouth with pancakes.

"Hey, hey, hey! Get a plate to eat your pancakes and a mug so I can make you some cocoa!"

Regina put her hand in blonde's arm, making the blonde almost jump at the shivers up her arm. Emma felt something burning in her belly button, but ignored it.

"Emma, just some milk for now."

She looked at Regina, nodding almost imperceptibly. "Ok, no cocoa. Just milk, kid"

"But ma!" He whined, getting his plate down.

"I am the law kid, so what I say is law. And I say no cocoa in the morning." She was looking at Regina for her to approve. The brunette just smiled.

"God, with all your laws you could run for Mayor. Seriously, Emma"

"Stop with your sass and eat. God, you sound just like your mother…"

They both grew quiet at the comment. Henry's eyes were clouded with such a sadness and regret that was not supposed to be seen in an eleven year-old kid's eyes. Emma felt Regina freeze, and all she wanted in that moment was tell him about Regina.

Tell him everything that had been happening in the last three months. Tell him all, so he wouldn't suffer so much anymore.

But she couldn't.

She couldn't give him false hope that his mother was not actually dead, or that he could bring her back, because she wasn't sure if she was ready to face those things herself. If there was a way to bring Regina back, she'd do it without a second thought.

All she wanted was to feel Regina's hot breath in her face again when they got close while in a fight, to feel the warmth from Regina's touch when they tried to hug. All she wanted was her back. Whatever way she could have her, she'd get her. But she was not ready to think about that.

And then she felt it again; the slow burning in her belly button. It was not something that hurt. It itched. She started scratching it when she heard Henry's voice.

"I miss her a lot." His voice was sad and small. Regina's heart skipped a beat waiting to hear what else he had to say.

"I miss her too kid. More than I thought I would."

"I wish I had hugged her one last time." He looked down at his pancakes, taking a bite. Emma waited for him to go on. She knew Regina needed to hear this. "I was so stupid, Emma… She loved me all this time and I threw it all away. And now there's nothing I can do… If I could go back on time, I'd do it all different."

Emma put her hand on his arm, trying to soothe him. "I loved her Emma, I love her. And she died without knowing it."

Regina was trying to contain the sobs that were trying to leave her mouth. She never thought she'd hear Henry say something like that about her. She had waited and fought for his love for so long that she started thinking it was already a lost battle. Having him say these things about her right now made her it all worth it. It felt like heaven.

Emma saw the tears in his eyes and hugged him. She looked at Regina, trying to show in her eyes everything she was feeling in that moment. "I'm sure she knows it, kid."

* * *

Regina was walking around the house. The clock on the kitchen counter showed her that it was 3 am. She hated this not sleeping thing. Well, it was not like she could actually not sleep, she could if she wanted to, but it wasn't really sleeping.

She'd just stay there, motionless, without breathing, with her mind blank. There were no dreams, no rest… nothing, nothing at all. So all she did all night was walk around the house, watch Henry sleep or watch TV when Emma let it on.

She stopped and stared out of the window, at the moon. It was beautiful, the moon was full and it looked like it was staring right at her. She stared right back, like she and the moon were having some sort of conversation. It was one of the most ridiculous things she had ever done, but she didn't care.

She was happy that, even if it was only in her imagination, that there was something that could see her and talk to her besides Emma. She felt lonely every night. During the day she didn't even have time to feel that way, because Emma was always doing something. But during the night, she felt everything.

Regina positively hated the nights.

She turned around and decided to go check on Henry. When she was about to go into his room, an odd feeling of panic took hold of her. But it wasn't about Henry. It was pulling her towards Emma, like she cold feel the blonde's feelings. She almost ran to her room, knowing immediately what was happening.

When Regina got there, she froze for a moment. Emma was moving in the bed, like she was in pain, grasping at the sheets with everything she had, sweat was running down her forehead, and her mouth was open, like if she were screamin, but no sound came out. And then she started crying.

"No, no, no, please"

The quiet pleas woke Regina up from her trance and she went to the blonde. She sat down beside her in the bed and tried waking her up, first just putting her hand on the blonde's arm. It usually was enough to wake her up, but apparently, not today.

"Emma?" Her voice was soft, while she tried shaking her a little. Still it didn't work. "Emma, please, wake up. You're scaring me"

Regina slaped the blonde's arm more forcefully than she intended. The blonde woke up with a start, sitting up, breathing deeply. When she saw Regina though, she started screaming.

"Get out; I don't want you near me! Go away!" She was kicking and shaking her arms, and Regina had to take a step back so the blonde wouldn't hit her. She waited for Emma to calm down.

But she didn't.

After a whole minute, Emma was still screaming and shaking. So, Regina took a step closer, and another, and when the blonde relented for a second, she put her arms around her and held her. It just made the blonde more furious, but at least she stopped screaming. After sometime, she stopped trying to get out of Regina's grip, and just stayed still.

Dead still.

Regina was taking her arms off Emma, when she heard her voice, small and broken.

"Please don't hurt me."

Regina's heart broke in that moment. They never talked about the nightmares, but Regina had a pretty good idea of what it was about. And seeing Emma like this, like a broken child that hurt more times than she would admit; it just made her swear revenge to whoever made her sufer through all of that.

And then she realized it was her fault. She was the cause of Emma's abandonement, of her difficult childhood. It was her fault that she grew up without a family, without someone that loved her. She took a moment to let that sink in, and then, all she could think about was that she loathed herself more than she had ever loathed anyone in her entire life.

"Regina?"

She almost didn't hear Emma's voice, being inthrilled in her thoughts like she was. She looked at the blonde in her arms and she looked back. Emma's eyes had a kind of sadness that Regina knew a little too well.

The sadness you feel when you know you are helpless and there's no one there for you. The one you feel when you realize your life is not your own, and that you are only the result of what other people made of you.

Regina held her tighter, putting the blonde's head in her shoulder. She started running her fingers through Emma's hair, feeling her relax after a minute or two.

"Can we talk about it?"

"Are you sure about this?"

It was the first time Emma asked her that. She wanted to know what plagued Emma's nights, so she could protect her from it, but she also didn't want to put any pressure on her.

"Yeah."

And then Regina waited. She could feel the blonde's body shaking with each breath she took. Her eyes were closed, and Regina knew she was preparing herself to share the story.

One minute passed, and then another. Then, without looking at Regina, Emma took a deep breath and started.

"When I was twelve, I started living with a couple. They lived in a small town and owned a little grocery store. In the first three months it was wonderful. They were great and Ray, the husband, was the most amazing guy I had ever met. He'd always give me chocolate or some other sweet from the grocery."

A strangled sob left Emma's mouth and she had to stop to recompose herself. Regina was still running her fingers through the blonde's hair, absorbing everything she was sharing.

"Lucille worked two jobs, so I almost never saw her. I spent most of my time with Ray. After those three months, he started asking me for something in return, from all the sweets and chocolates. He'd say he'd only give me one if I sat on his lap. So I did; I couldn't see anything wrong with that."

Regina tensed up. She knew where this was headed, and she felt so helpless for not being able to do anything for the blonde. Tears were slowly falling down Emma's face and Regina whipped them away while she went on.

"He'd run his hands through my body, saying he was going to give me a massage. _God, child, you're such a beauty; your papa loves you_... God, I was so naive."

The tears where running freely down her face now, and Regina realized that she was crying too, only that no tears were falling. She hugged the blonde a little tighter, trying to give her any support she could.

"He asked me to go to his room. He said that there was where he kept all the chocolate. So I went. He arrived some minutes later, naked. I was really confused, I had never seen a man naked and I didn't understand why he was there like that. And then he came over me and started to try and take my clothes off.

I started screaming and trying to get off, but he ripped my clothes and started screaming at me _'You little whore, you always liked me, don't start acting like this now._' And then he threw me on the bed and came over me. I had no idea of what was happening, all I felt was this pain and his weight against me. _'Emma... You are so beautiful_'.

I remember everything so vividly. All I wanted was to forget that moment. I remember the smell, the sheets beneath me; then it all stopped. He got off of me, and kneeled by my side and said in my ear, '_this is gonna be our little secret, ok, child?_' Then he kissed me, and left the back room. I stayed there the whole night. I couldn't move; I couldn't do anything. I cried the memory away until Lucille arrived. The next day I was shipped off to another foster home."

She put her head on Regina's shoulder again, as sobs shook her body and tears ran down her face. Regina didn't know what to do, so she just let Emma cry, while holding her.

For Emma, even though she couldn't feel the other woman, having her there was everything she needed in that one moment.

Regina laid Emma down on the bed, and after some moments, took a place beside her. She started running her hands through the blonde's hair one more time.

"When I was eighteen, I married King Leopold."

Emma looked up at Regina, her green eyes wet and red from the tears shed. "You don't need to tell me anything, Regina."

"But I want to." She put a hand to Emma's face and cleaned some of the tears that had just fallen. "Like I was saying, I was eighteen when I married the King. I had just lost my first love and my mother sold me to marry a man that was thirty-five years older than me and to be a mother to a girl six years younger than me. My life was ruined. Everything I ever dreamed was ripped from me and there was nothing I could do about it."

Regina sighed. Emma was about to say something again, when Regina put a finger to her lips, stopping her. "A story for another, isn't that the rule Emma? So, please, let me share this with you. I_ want_ to." She took a deep breath and went on. "I was young and naive, and from then on I had a taste of what hell must have been like.

I knew what wives were supposed to give to their husbands, but that doesn't mean I was ready or that I wanted to give it to the king.

The wedding itself was beautiful. My gown was perfect, my hair was neatly made, and I was for sure the fairest of the land in that day; but it was all so wrong. All I could think about was how the King was not Daniel and how it all was my worst nightmare. But that's not even the worst part.

The kingdom would party for three days. In the beginning of the first night a maid took me to the king's bedchamber and told me to wait until he got there. So I waited; I knew what was going to happen, and I was nervous. I knew what sex was, but I had no idea how it worked, what I was supposed to do.

An hour later he got there. He smelled like alcohol and I knew he was drunk. He told me to take off my clothes, and I did it. I told him I didn't know what I was supposed to do… and I remember his exact words '_Don't worry, I'm gonna teach you how to please your king_'.

He took me the whole night. I tried not to cry, because I was only doing my duty as his wife. But, god, it hurt so much! Not only physically; I kept picturing Daniel, trying to think it was him there, but I couldn't. Because Daniel would never have done something like that to me. He'd be gentle, and we'd make love… It would've been different.

It all pained me so much… Seeing his face was awful. Seeing how pleased he was with himself for having someone as young and as beautiful as me; how powerful he felt having me under him.

When he got up, blood was coloring the sheets. He looked down and smiled, and told me to dress myself, leave his chambers and tell the maid to get in and clean the sheets. It was like that for almost every night for the next ten years."

After she finished, silence took place, and it was one that was almost comfortable. They were looking at each other intently. Regina had stopped moving her fingers, and her hand rested between them, with a strand of the blonde's hair in it.

Sharing painful parts of their pasts with each other made them lighter, and they knew for sure that sharing it with each other was the right thing to do. They knew they'd always be there for the other, and they also knew that, being there in that moment, was exactly where they needed to be.

"Thank you for telling me that. I know how hard it is to share stuff."

"I know. Thank you for telling me about your own story, Emma."

"I'm glad you're here. You help me a lot. You're all I need sometimes, Regina."

And there it was again; the burning in her belly button. She smiled at Regina, closing her eyes and going back to sleep.

The brunette smiled, feeling the blonde's breathings even.

"Emma… You are my best friend. I never thought I could want you and need you like I do now. Besides the fact that I'm almost certain that I only exist because of you, I'm glad to be here. You have a battle-worn heart, and life has taken its toll on you at an early age, and it was all my fault.

I don't regret enacting the curse, but I do regret what it caused you. I wish you had a happy childhood and had never gone through those things, but I can't go back and change it.

But what I really want to tell you Emma is that… I think I'm falling, and falling _hard_. You're beautiful, and have a strong personality, but that's not it. I'm falling for you, for all of you, for your beauty and the stupid and goofy things you do and for your good heart and your clumsiness.

I wish I had seen and realized all of those things while I was still alive. I wish I could bring you happiness and make your life a little happier. I'm happy to have you with me, even if I don't have a life anymore.

I love you, Emma Swan."

The blonde smiled in her sleep, and Regina wished that she had the courage to tell all of that to the blonde when she was awake to hear it.

* * *

Emma and Ruby were sprawled on the bed in one of the rooms at the B&B. A random movie was playing on the TV, but they were eating, drinking and talking a lot more that watching it. Emma had a bottle of Jack in her hand and was drinking from it, while Ruby had her mouth full of popcorn.

Regina was sitting in a chair by the bed. She had only watched the girls interact the whole night. She wanted Emma to have some time with her friend and not have her there bothering her. So, she just stood aside and let them have their night.

"So… How's everything going?"

"What do you mean, Ruby?" She handled the girl the bottle and got some popcorn.

"You know… How are you and Henry? How are Snow and David? How are you guys feeling about the Regina stuff…"

Emma's eyes bulged in that moment. Ruby didn't know that she saw Regina. She couldn't know. _What if Ruby could see her too?_ The blonde looked behind her at the woman sitting in the chair, and Regina looked as surprised as her in that moment.

"What about Regina?"

Ruby took a swig of the bottle and her eyes wandered around the room. "You know… I meant how everyone is handling everything and stuff…"

_Oh._ The blonde took a deep breath, feeling a little relieved. "Henry misses her. I…" She stopped for a moment, trying to recollect her thoughts and don't give too much away. She took a deep breath. "I don't know what I feel."

Ruby took another swig of the bottle before looking at Emma and blurting out her words "Had you and Regina ever fucked?"

Emma almost choked on the popcorn, her face all red. She didn't risk a glance at Regina. "Uh… no… what… Why would you think that?"

A smug smile took the other woman's face "Oh, after two years of seeing you guys undressing each other with your eyes and everything, I thought something happened. Sometimes I would smell the pheromone in the air, you know?"

Emma just wanted to run in that moment. She didn't know what to do or say, and she was starting to feel desperate and cornered. Ruby's flirtatious voice interrupted her train of thoughts though.

"You know, if I knew you'd take so long, I'd have tapped that."

Emma's eyes shot to Ruby's face to see if she was telling the truth. The raised eyebrows and the fire in her eyes told her she was.

_No_. The girl that was her best _living_ friend was _not_ about to hit on her best _dead_ friend.

"Emma, could you please tell Miss Lucas that I'd be really happy if she had 'tapped that'? If she had come over to me, I wouldn't have said no."

Regina was so close to Emma that she almost jumped. The brunette was whispering those words in her ear, and she couldn't stop the images of Ruby and Regina on a bed, moaning and screaming each other's names, filling her head. Her belly button and stomach were burning so much she thought she was going to throw up from the pain and from the vision of the two women in her head.

"What! You can't be serious." Emma was screaming and she didn't even care. She grabbed Regina by the arm and took her outside, screaming some kind of apology to Ruby.

"What the fuck were you thinking Regina? Are you serious about that Ruby thing? She's my best friend! You can't just be into my best friend! You guys would be just… no. It can't happen. And you're dead, so no! Just, stop!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs, and she was pretty sure Ruby could hear it. She was seeing red, the burning and the sickness she was feeling weren't helping anything.

Regina just stood there with a grin on her face, just enjoying Emma's jealousy, even if she wasn't ready to admit that she was jealous.

The blonde couldn't take it anymore. She didn't understand what was happening, what she was feeling or why she was feeling it. Well, she actually had some pretty good idea of why and what was happening, but she wasn't ready to knowledge it. It was all so confusing.

She couldn't have feelings for a dead woman. That was out of the question, but she also didn't know what to do. Running was not actually an option, since she was pretty sure Regina would be dragged with her wherever she went. Then there was Henry and her parents. She couldn't run, but she could do something.

She got back into the room, took the bottle of whiskey from a very confused and stunned Ruby and ran out, with Regina on her heels.

* * *

The next night Henry was playing on his Xbox in the living room with Regina by his side, while Charming and Snow were on the kitchen making dinner. Emma was sitting on one of the stools fiddling with her fingers finding a way to tell her parents what she was thinking.

Snow turned back, looking at Emma. "So, spill. What do you wanna tell us?"

Emma looked up, faking surprise. "'Me? Why would I want to tell you something?"

"You've been here for half an hour, making this face like you are in pain, but I know you were just thinking really hard. So… spill."

David had turned to hear it too. Now Emma felt more nervous than before, with them both looking expectantly at her. She took a deep breath trying to calm herself and stood up.

"Do you know what this is?" She pulled her shirt up to the middle of her stomach, showing them the mark around her belly button.

"Emma! Did you hurt yourself?" Her father said, almost like talking to a child, and it annoyed Emma immensely.

"That's exactly what I want to know, David. It appeared after Regina died, and I'm sure I didn't do it."

"So it just... Appeared?" Snow asked suspiciously. David was completely confused, having no idea of what that mark could be. He was more lost than both Snow and Emma together.

"Yeah, and it kinda hurts when I have strong feelings towards... a certain person."

"Oh, so it's connected to someone?" Snow had her brow furrowed like she was in deep thought.

"I think so, yeah."

Charming's face opened up in a smile, as he looked knowingly at Emma. "So... Is that person Neal?"

"What?" Snow and Emma said together, as if he was crazy. But Emma's mind lighted up with an idea, and she covered her tracks fast.

"Oh yeah, sure, it's him; please don't tell anyone."

David was ecstatic having discovered his daughter's secret. He was so into his own world that he didn't even realize the faces Snow was making.

"Emma, do you want to go upstairs with me?"

The blonde looked at her mother confused, but followed her anyway.

They entered Emma's room and Snow sat on the bed, asking the blonde to sit next to her.

The blonde looked at anything but Snow; while the brunette studied Emma's features. She put a hand over her daughter's to get her attention.

"I know you're afraid of your feelings dear, but I really think you should give it a try. If that mark in your stomach is what I think it is, you and this person are meant to be together."

Snow tried to be as supportive as she could be. She had heard about those marks when she was a child, but had never actually seen one. She thought they were a legend, until seeing one in her own daughter's belly button. She knew it wasn't Neal who had the other identical mark, but she also had no idea who could be.

"Maybe you should talk to the Blue Fairy, or go to Gold about it. They'll be able to say what it means. But baby, you should give your feelings a try." She smiled down at her daughter and left the room for her to sort out her feelings.

Emma's mind was in a complete state of chaos. She and Regina were meant to be together? She knew she had feelings for the brunette, but the problem here was: she was dead.

These feelings; they'd only harm her. She couldn't be with Regina and she was pretty sure the brunette didn't feel _that_ way about her. Of course they had grown closer, but they were friends, and that's it.

She couldn't feel this way. She knew she had to do something about it.

And she had a pretty good idea of what to do.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Please don't hate me.

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"Running away was easy; not knowing what to do next was the hard part."_

**Glenda Millard**

* * *

Regina had the feeling Emma was hiding something from her. She was jumpy and worrysome, but everytime Regina tried asking her about it she'd make some vague comments and not answer anything.

The day Emma got home with a black leather dress; Regina knew something was _very_ wrong.

"Why have you bought a leather dress?"

Emma was just out of the shower when the brunette confronted her. If she hadn't been paying attention, she'd have fallen on top of her.

She took a deep breath and started running through all the answers she could give to Regina, anything but the truth. After mumbling a few times, she settled with the less stupid answer.

"I'm going out with Ruby and I needed a new dress."

Emma looked as distressed as she felt, and she was sure Regina didn't believe her. But the blonde also knew that the brunette preferred to believe that she wouldn't be lied to.

"By the way, after I dress, could you help me with my make up?"

"Sure, why not."

Regina and Emma entered the younger woman's room and Regina stayed out so the other woman could put her clothes on. When Emma told her to come in, she wasn't prepared at all for what she saw.

Emma was wearing a black lace boy short and a matching black bra. Her eyes trailed down the woman's body, stoping slightly at her breasts, then whey went down the toned stomach, seeing the scar on Emma's stomach. She remembered having already seen one of those, many years ago, but she didn't really recall what they were.

She didn't care about it either at the moment, and she let her eyes wander down, through the black lace and the toned legs. All she could think about was how much she wanted to run her hands through the blonde's body, throw her on the bed and pleasure her in every way she could, make Emma pull her hair scream her name while she came...

"See something you like, Miss Mills?"

Emma's voice broke Regina's frenzy, her eyes snapping to the blonde's face.

She was feeling a little guilty by the way her thoughts went, but the smug smile on the other woman's face and the light blush on her cheeks showed her that Emma didn't mind at all how dark Regina's eyes had gotten and the fire behind them. Regina cleared her throat trying to chase away the thoughts, which was really hard, since the blonde was standing a few feet away from her.

"You needed my help, _Miss Swan_?"

Emma smiled, seeing that Regina looked at anything but her. She put the dress on quickly, adjusting the leather to her body. She led Regina to the bathroom, so she could use the mirror and Regina could instruct her on how to do a proper make up.

* * *

"Emma, why are we at Neal's place?"

After Tamara, Greg and Regina's death Neal had decided to stay in Storybrooke.

There were lots of apartments and houses that had no one living in. Since the curse break, lots of families were reunited, and decided to move in together. The dwarves now lived all together, and Neal was living in the apartment of one of them. He stayed to know his son and be close to his father, even though they spent half of the time fighting. He and Emma had worked on a schedule where he picked Henry up from school every other day and would also have him every other weekend.

Regina was used to see Emma going to Neal's apartment, to discuss something about Henry. Emma would go there, and she and Neal would walk to Granny's and have a burger and the woman would tell him how the kid was doing at school, and he would ask more about him, some things that Regina had to tell her the answer she could give him.

She was not surprised to see Emma stopped there. She was surprised to see that Emma was going to see Neal in a leather dress. She had a fairly good idea of what was about to happen, but she didn't want to believe it. So she repeated her question.

"Why are we at Neal's place?"

"Uh... I might have lied to you."

Emma ran her hands through her hair that fell down her back in curls. She felt more nervous than she thought possible. She didn't know if it was for what she was about to do or because of the other woman being there with her.

Regina patiently waited for the blonde to go on. Anger was starting to grow inside of her. She knew Emma had been hiding something from her all week, and she knew Emma had lied to her when she asked her where she was going, but this? This was _not_ acceptable.

"I kind of have a date with Neal tonight."

Emma closed her eyes waiting for Regina to explode. But Regina looked at the blonde, her voice was calmer than she really felt. "You're going on a date with Henry's father, the one that put you in jail?"

"Yeah, that one, Regina. I'm gonna date whoever I want ok, and right now I want Neal."

Emma's voice was coated with anger. Regina stayed silent after that, letting the blonde's words sink in. Her anger grew, but now, there was something more than just anger there. She tried not to think too much about it, shutting down and letting the blonde do as she pleased, even if she hated the whole situation.

Emma left the car, slamming the door shut with a little more force than needed. Regina followed her, trying not to let her feelings show.

Emma tried to gather herself. She couldn't arrive at the date like a mess because of Regina. She knew this would happen, Regina being mad with her and everything; but it didn't mean she was ready for it. She felt so mad all the time that two phrases from the brunette were enough to make her explode.

She needed this date, she couldn't blow it. She needed to forget her feelings and let things go. She needed to feel someone. She needed to think about anything besides Regina. She wished she could be alone for just a moment, and process stuff. She couldn't do anything without the brunette being there with her, she couldn't think for herself.

Regina was like something toxic for Emma, filling the blonde's mind and body and making her unable to do anything. Regina was a part of every waking moment of Emma's life, and she hated it. She hated it because she loved it, and it was not acceptable. She couldn't feel anything for a dead woman, she couldn't be with a dead woman, and she couldn't feel a dead woman. So she needed something real.

Emma took a deep breath, entering the building with Regina a little behind her. They took the stairs to the second floor without saying anything or looking at each other. Regina was deep in thought. She couldn't deny anymore the jealousy she was feeling, the anger at the situation and at herself, for not being able to be the one taking Emma on a date.

She didn't know what to do, but she needed to do something. She couldn't just stay quiet and watch Emma go on a date with the man who had already hurt her so much. When she stepped into the second floor, she had an idea.

When they reached Neal's door, Emma put her best smile on and knocked.

Neal opened the door, dressed in jeans and a polo shirt, smiling when he saw Emma.

"Wow, Em, you look amazing!"

Emma blushed almost imperceptively at Neal's words. He took her hand, looking her up and down, and led her inside the house.

"Seriously, he calls you Em?" Regina whispered close to the blonde's ear, making her tense for a second. Emma just gave the brunette a look and kept walking with Neal.

The apartment was quite small. There were two doors in front of them, one of a bedroom and one of a bathroom. The kitchen and the living room mended together, and there was a TV, a small couch, a fridge and some counters. There was no table, only a kitchen counter that was set with plates and their dinner.

Neal pulled one of the stools for Emma to sit in.

"Oh, how much of a gentleman he is; right, Miss Swan?"

Regina's voice was dripping with sarcasm. Emma just rolled her eyes, trying not to let her anger at Regina grow.

"So, I'm sorry that I got here a little late, but I got caught up on work and then I needed some time to get ready and everything."

"Its okay, Em, I know how it is." He gave her a sympathetic smile. "Do you want some beer or something?" He turned to go to the fridge and get whatever she wanted.

"Beer is good."

"God, he is taking you on a date and he gives you beer? Great man you have there, Sheriff." Regina whispered in Emma's ear again, and just stepped back in time for the blonde to look at her with anger in her eyes.

"Shut up, Regina" She was trying really hard not to let her anger and annoyance show.

"What did you say Emma?" Neal put two beers in front of them, one for himself and one for the blonde.

"Oh nothing." Emma's eyes snapped from Regina's face, and she tried again to dissipate the building anger. It was getting more difficult every time the other woman made a snarky remark.

"So… let's eat." Neal took the trays to start serving the food. He looked at Emma as if asking for permission to serve her, and she smiled encouragingly. They ate in silence, and Regina kept whispering things to Emma, about Neal and about how horrible the date was.

Emma's anger was building faster than she was able to control it. She didn't know what the other woman was trying to do, but it was surely working. Why couldn't Regina leave her alone, even for one night, specially her date night?

Regina could clearly see that her plan to ruin the blonde's date was working. She was happy with that, but she couldn't deny the jealousy. Neal would touch Emma's hand, or rest his hand on her leg, and her blood would boil. She was somewhat thankful for the fact that she didn't have magic, because she was sure that if she had, she would have burned the whole building down already.

Neal, on the other hand, was completely oblivious to everything happening to Emma. He was a little immersed in his feelings, trying to sort everything out in his head. He never completely forgot the blonde. He knew he had been an idiot for leaving her, but at the time it seemed like the only option, and he couldn't just make her not fullfil her destiny.

If he hadn't left, the blonde wouldn't have met her parents and she wouldn't have a family. But that doesn't mean he stopped thinking about her at any moment. He never stopped loving her, but he knew that the blonde probably would never let herself feel anything for him ever again. That didn't mean he wasn't willing to try and make her fall for him again.

When they finished eating dinner, Neal invited Emma to go sit in the couch. He put some music on and they sat down to talk.

"So, Em, how has life been here on Storybrooke?"

"Uh… Good, I have a family now." The blonde ran her hands through her hair, a little nervous. Now that there was nothing to occupy her, and she knew this conversation wouldn't end up in the best place.

He smiled at the woman. "Yeah, that's good, right? I mean, we have a kid and everything."

"Yeah, we do." Emma smiled, looking down.

He moved closer to the blonde and put his hand on her leg. Regina wanted to cut his hand off, and she didn't even notice the growl that left her mouth, but Emma did. She let Neal keep his hand there and put her own hand above his.

"I'm glad you accepted my invitation for a date, Ems" He was rubbing circles on her leg, with his head down.

"How, could I say no?" The blonde smiled sweetly, letting her eyes wander to Regina for a moment. The older woman was on the other side of the room, and she was fuming.

He ran his hands through his hair, looking at Emma. His eyes had a mix of emotions the woman couldn't quite place. "You know, since I got here I wanted to ask you on a date you know?" He smiled at the blonde, putting a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She laughed a little at the confession. "Then why didn't you ask sooner?"

"Well…" He took a deep breath trying to sort out his feelings. "Life, people, my father, Henry… They are a really great motive of why we shouldn't be together again."

"Look, finally something intelligent left his mouth!"

Emma wanted to punch Regina's face. She couldn't believe the woman could be this irritating.

"And there was Tamara too." Neal looked at everything but the blonde. He had, somehow, fallen for Tamara. He missed her dearly, even after knowing what she did and how she lied to him. She was his best friend and his girlfriend for years, and he couldn't erase that. And he couldn't help, but there was a part of him that blamed Emma for her death. It was hard talking about his dead fiancé.

The blonde tensed, feeling how the air shifted at the mension of Tamara. "I'm… I'm sorry about Tamara, Neal." She didn't know what else to do or say. The change of course of the conversation was so fast, she felt a little confused. When Neal looked at her, she saw it in his eyes. The pain, the anger in his eyes. She seriously wished she could unsee it. "I'm sorry; it wasn't my intention for any of this to happen." She put her hand on his arm, trying to comfort him.

"It's okay. I know, Emma." He gave her a sad smile.

"So…" The blonde started, trying to change the subject, "do you have another beer?"

He started laughing, and went to pick two more beers on the fridge. He brought them back, gave one to Emma and sat down. They drank in silence, looking at each other.

Emma didn't know what to do anymore. Regina was awfully quiet, and it was making her a little nervous. Neal was looking everywhere but at her. She knew he was trying to sort out his feelings, so she let him.

Neal took Emma's hand and looked at her eyes, trying to convey all his feelings and show her them. "You have no idea how much I missed you, Emma."

The blonde was a little surprised by the man's move, but she recovered fast enough to not let it show. "I… I missed you too. A lot."

"You did? The guy threw you in jail and you missed him? I'm seriously starting to question your sanity, Miss Swan." Regina's voice dripped with sarcasm. Even if she didn't have any power right now, she would never lose her superior tone, and Emma wanted to just beat the woman right now.

And then the songs changed, and it started playing. Emma recognized the song instantly, and she knew what she would do. She knew it was a low blow, but it needed to be done.

She got up and extended her arm to Neal. "Do you wanna dance?"

He laughed, but put his hand in hers and got up.

"No, no, no, no." Regina was getting closer to them. She was about to explode at them both. She couldn't take it anymore.

Neal put his arms around the blonde's waist and she put her arms around his neck. The song played softly.

_I have died every day waiting for you_

_Darling don't be afraid_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

If she could cry, Regina would have cried in that moment. Instead, she did what she always did best. She let her anger consume her.

She got close to the couple and started screaming at Emma. "What the fuck is your problem, Swan? You're doing this just to torture me? Torture yourself? You said you hated this man and now you're here on a date with him? You know this is not good for Henry, damn it! You know what he is gonna think, and if this relationship doesn't end well, he'll be hurt too!" Regina took a deep breath, turning around. She didn't want to see this anymore. She didn't want to feel any of this anymore. She was _not_ supposed to feel anything.

_Then why did it hurt so much? _

Emma tried ignoring Regina, but her anger was also rising. She couldn't believe the other woman brought Henry into the mess.

When Regina started talking again, her voice was strangled and broken. "Damn it, Emma! Why are you doing this? This is not right! God, Swan, this is the farthest thing from right! You can't do this! You can't do this to me!" Her voice hitched, and she couldn't speak anymore. Her voice was so small and quiet that if she hadn't been that close to Emma, she wouldn't hear her next words.

"I love you."

That was it. It was the last straw for the blonde. "Shut the hell up!"

She got Regina's arm and carried her to one of the doors, leaving behind a very confused Neal.

She opened the door, throwing Regina in, and closing it forcefully. They were at the bathroom.

Emma looked like she was in panic. Regina didn't understand anything. She still couldn't believe she had admitted to the blonde that she loved her. She looked at the floor when Emma started to speak.

"I don't want you. I don't care about you, or what you feel. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want you with me, I never did." Emma's voice was low and full of anger. She could see that Regina was in pain, even if she tried to hide it. She couldn't care less about Regina's pain in that moment. "I don't want your feelings. You take your feelings and get the fuck out of my life! I don't care how, but you'll find a way, because I don't want to see you never again."

Emma turned around to leave, but Regina took hold of her arm. "Please, Emma, don't." That was all she was able to say. They stayed for some seconds feeling the shivers run up and down their arms. Once again the blonde ewas struck with the reality of their situation, that Regina was really dead.

The blonde shook her arm from Regina's grip and looked at her. Emma's eyes were void of any light and any life. "I'm glad you died. I only wished you had stayed like that."

Emma left the room, going to Neal. She threw herself at him, and started kissing him. At first Neal was a little confused, but he just held the blonde close, and complied to her wishes, kissing her back with everything he had. When they had to separate, he looked at her smiling.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that about?"

"Please, Neal… Make me feel something." Her eyes where so pleading, that he knew it was something serious. He pulled her to him again, and started leading her to his bedroom.

Regina left the bathroom just in time to hear what the blonde said. They closed the bedroom door and she was alone again. No one was there to see the pain in her eyes. No one was there to hear the strangled sobs. No one was there for her.

No one wanted her.

So she turned around and left.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Damn guys, the response to last chapter was incredible! Like, seriously, you are all amazing!

I want again to thank Sam (AKA **QueenofaSwan) **for being as perfect as she is and listening to me throw all these crazy thoughts about this story at her at 2 am.

If any of you want to check it out or something, I have a tumblr. **reginaswanmills** it is, just go there if you want to.

And again, you are all amazing! A huge thanks to everyone that followed, favorited and reviewed. You are the best, and your support is what keeps me writing.

Oh, and also: this story is getting pretty close to 100 reviews. So, I was thinking about doing like some other writers and let the 100th reviewer send me a prompt and I'll write a one shot with that prompt. What do you guys think?

Also, I'm sorry, but the fluff won't be back for a little more time. I'm sorry that you all hated me last chapter (or hated Emma, or Neal, or both, or all of us), but it was necessary.

So, this chapter is all about Emma and her feelings. Next chapter will explain what happened to Regina.

Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum._"

**Jonathan Safran Foer**

* * *

Emma woke up and the first thing she realized was that she wasn't on her bed. Then she felt the strong arm around her waist, and looking to her side, she saw Neal, asleep.

That's when she remembered everything that happened the previous night. She looked around, but there was no sign of Regina. She got up and started walking around the apartment.

"Regina?" She called in a low voice, to see if the brunette would answer but making sure that she wouldn't wake Neal.

When she realized that the other woman had in fact left, a certain sadness took hold of her. But it barely lasted a second when the blonde realized she was finally _free_. Free of having to stay with the woman every second of the day, of not being able to do anything she liked because it didn't please Regina, free of seeing the woman, free of having to be infested with the brunette, free of having her in her thoughts all the time…

Now it was just a question of time before she forgot.

She was about to make a happy dance when Neal came out of the room.

"Hey, Ems, why are you up so early?" He ran a hand through his eyes trying to shake the sleep out of them.

Emma went up to him, kissed his lips and ran to the bedroom to dress. Neal smiled and went to the kitchen to make some coffee.

When she came out of the bedroom again she was fully clothed.

"Are you gonna stay for breakfast?" Neal was sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of cereal with milk and a cup of steaming coffee. The blonde had to suppress the urge to laugh and the slight pain she feet when she realized how much he looked like Henry.

She replied with a quick no and left the place, going in the direction of Granny's diner.

She felt like she might be glowing, by how happy she was. She ignored the flash of sadness that took her every few moments, and shoved it so deeply that she barely felt it anymore.

She entered the diner and went straight to the counter, where Ruby was, organizing some dishes and cups.

"A cocoa and the biggest pile of pancakes you can make, Ruby." Emma gave her the biggest smile she could manage while sitting on one of the stools.

"Woke up on the _right_ side of the bed today, huh Emma?" The waitress smiled at her friend as she went to the kitchen to give the order for Emma's pancakes.

"Oh, Ruby, I wasn't even on my own bed…" The blonde said quietly to herself, and smiled at the attempted joke.

When the waitress came back with a huge plate of pancakes and the cocoa, she put them in front of Emma and stayed there eyeing her.

"You can start telling me what happened now, or you can tell me later, it's your choice. But I'd advise you to tell me now or I'll spend the rest of the day after you, bothering you till you tell me."

Emma laughed out loud, with such a joy that Ruby was surprised. She had never seen her friend this… cheerful. She really wanted to know what happened for the blonde to be like that.

"You know when there's something that, even when you don't want it to, it stays with you?"

The waitress looked at Emma like she was crazy. She was not following the blonde's train of thought.

"Like, you get this thing. You never wanted it, but you have it, and it is always with you. You hate it. At some point you start to like it because, well, it's always with you. But then… you start to hate it again. You start to get so attached to the thing that you start hating it. So… I told the thing to go away. And now I'm here celebrating my freedom from tying myself to people!" The blonde finished picking up her cup of cocoa for a toast.

The waitress was not as amused as Emma was. What the blonde was talking about reminded herself a little of her being a werewolf. She smiled sadly at the notion.

"What if you want it back? What if at some point you realize you were actually lying to yourself, and then it's already too late?"

The feeling of sadness and dread came back full force at Ruby's words. She tried to shake it away and smile, but the feeling was already consuming her.

She told the waitress to put the food on her tab and left, leaving behind a thoughtful Ruby and an untouched plate of pancakes.

* * *

The first week was joyous. She ravished herself in all the freedom, doing whatever she wanted to do, reading whatever she wanted and watching whatever movie or TV show she wanted.

She didn't let herself feel anything but happiness for finally getting what she wanted. But Emma wasn't stupid. She knew that what she was feeling wasn't anything close to real joy. It was almost on the verge of hysteric, but it was enough for her, as long as she didn't feel anything besides the fake happiness.

She'd feed Henry pop tarts and cocoas with lots of sugar for breakfast, laughing to herself about how much of a rebel he was for not following Regina's instructions about his eating habits. She'd let him skip school just to play video games for the same reason.

When she was home alone, she'd run naked around the house just for the sake of it, screaming curses and bad words that Regina didn't like her to say. And that's exactly what she was doing.

She was just out of the shower. She went to the living room, where her laptop was set on top of the center table, put some music on and started dancing.

She ran to the kitchen, with her hands above her head, and came back, all the while screaming.

She jumped on top of the couch, shaking her body.

"Fucking fuck fuckity fuck shit shit shit!"

She was shaking and screaming so much, and the song was so loud that she didn't hear the front door open.

She only realized someone was at home when she turned around and was faced with a shocked Snow and a petrified Charming.

She felt the blood running to her face and to her chest. She was so embarrassed she didn't even think of covering herself.

"Emma Swan!"

Snow's scream could probably be heard in the whole neighborhood. Emma looked sheepishly at her mother and father.

"Uh... Welcome home?"

* * *

The fake happiness was bound to end at one time or another.

And it did.

The second week was terrible. It was like she was having her personal taste of how hell would be.

All Emma was left with was anger. _A lot of it_. She was angry at herself for telling the only person that was actually there with her to leave, at Regina for actually leaving, at Neal just for being there, for being so passive, at Snow and Charming for not understanding her... At everything.

She would wake up, go to the sheriff station, come back home and lock herself in her room till it was time to go to Neal's apartment.

She had a mood all day. She would snap at everyone just for talking to her. Every time she had to go around town for some kind of job, people would simply step out of her way. She was not nice, she was not happy.

It was Friday, her last day working before the weekend. Emma had come to hate the weekends. She had nothing to do during those day. She'd have the whole day to herself, which meant that she would spend the whole day thinking. She couldn't think. The more she thought, the angrier she got at herself. She had come to hate herself more than she had ever hated anyone.

She was sitting in the sheriff station, trying to get some sleep when David called her asking her help to bring Leroy over, because he was drunk. _Seriously? It's four in the afternoon and the guy is already drunk?_

She took her keys and got into the bug, since David had taken the patrol. When she parked in front of Granny's, Leroy was handcuffed in the back of the the car, cursing and kicking.

"Thank god you got here Emma! Leroy broke some stuff inside of the diner and we have to report the damage. So, can you take him to the station while I finish here?" He handed Emma the keys of the patrol, looking expectantly at her, but trying not to be too hopeful about her helping him.

He didn't understand what was happening, but Emma had been in a weird mood the whole week. He avoided asking her to help him with the sheriff job because he knew she wasn't very happy about doing it. He was worried about his daughter, but he didn't know how to ask her if there was something wrong. He'd make sure to ask Snow if she knew something.

Emma hated how careful David was being around her. She wasn't a baby, she wasn't his baby. She wasn't the savior, she wasn't a princess... She was nothing. Why couldn't everyone just leave her alone? Why did everyone have to ask questions? Couldn't she just be tired and mad? Why did everything need a reason?

She actually knew why she was feeling that way. But she wasn't about to admit that to anyone.

She mumbled something, taking the keys from David. She entered the patrol, not even looking at Leroy. She could hear the dwarf's rambling and as much as she didn't want to, she ended up getting curious about what happened, so she payed attention.

"Charming, or David or James or whatever is a fucking asshole. We were friends! And he is sending me to jail? That fucking prince! I mean, it's not my fault that there is some shit going on in the town…"

And he went on and on the whole way just like that. Emma laughed at some parts, got really mad at others, but she tried her best not to snap at the drunken guy. After all, he was… well, drunk. But the closer they got to the station, the more and more irritated the blonde was getting. He wouldn't shut up and she was starting to get offended by the way he was talking about her family.

When they got to the station, Emma took Leroy out of the patrol not so gently.

"Hey, easy sister! I'm not a potato sack!"

She shoved him a little more forcefully for him to enter the station.

"Your mother didn't teach you manners, Swan?"

Emma gritted her teeth, stopping for a moment. Her voice came out in a low hiss.

"I didn't have a mother, Leroy."

The dwarf let out a humorless laugh.

"That's right, because of that fucking queen. Finally she's dead. It was more than time for that bitch to burn in hell."

At that, all of Emma's self control seemed to vanish. She threw Leroy against the bars of the cell, holding him up. She knew she might be hurting him, by the face he was making and by the amount of force she was using, but she couldn't care less.

"What did you just say?"

When Leroy didn't answer right after the blonde asked, she pressed him harder. "What the hell did you just say, you fucking dwarf?"

Leroy smirked at the blonde's reaction. He couldn't care less about the pain; he just wanted to push the woman's buttons. His drunken mind wasn't letting him think straight, and all he could feel was how mad he was at Charming for throwing him in jail and making him pay for what he broke at Granny's. If he couldn't get to Charming, he sure as hell found a way to get to his daughter. And he would take his chance.

"I said that I'm glad that the evil bitch has finally been taken down. I should give the guy who managed to do that my kudos."

Emma couldn't take it anymore. All she could see was red. Anger took over her mind and her body started acting on its own.

She brought her knee up, hitting Leroy square between the legs, making him double over in pain. She hit him in the back with her elbow and he fell on the floor. When the woman was about to kick him he smiled at her.

"So you have a soft spot for the queen, eh, Swan?" His smirk grew. Emma knew she should walk out right now, she knew she should leave it here or she'd do something she would regret.

"You wish you had fucked the queen? Wanted to play house with her? You already shared a bastard with the witch."

And that was what broke Emma. Her eyes hurt, her head hurt, her body hurt. She realized she had started crying somewhere between Leroy's words. She kicked him on the stomach, once, twice, three times. She was screaming, she was crying, but she couldn't stop hurting the man.

She only stopped when David put his arms around her and took her away from there. She tried to fight his grip, kicking and punching, but he was too strong. When her body went limp, the only sound that could be heard from both of them was Emma's sobs. David turned his daughter around and hugged her.

Emma clung to him more than she had ever let herself cling to anyone or anything; in that moment all she wanted was her father's comforting arms. She didn't know why she had done that, she hadn't been thinking. She had all this anger bottled up, and it was like she exploded all at once. She knew she'd have to face what she just did, but she just wanted a moment of love and comfort in the middle of the turmoil that had been her life in the last few months.

"Emma, I think maybe you should consider leave the sheriff station for me for a month and rest. What do you say?"

The blonde just nodded, went over to her desk, got her stuff and left.

* * *

It had been close to a week since David asked Emma to go on a vacation. She had spent most of the week at Neal's place, going home only for new clothes. She barely saw Henry anymore. She knew she was hurting her son by how distant she was but she couldn't help but remember Regina every time she looked at him.

She also hated how David looked at her lately, like he pitied her. He had been acting like that since the sheriff station incident. He'd try to be as nice as he could to Emma, so she didn't snap. Every time he saw her he'd apologize for what happened. The blonde wanted to punch him in the face.

Snow acted just like she always did, like a worried mother. She'd cook for Emma, even if she wasn't at home. She'd wash her clothes and fold them and clean them. She'd hug Emma every time she saw her, and ask her how she was every ten minutes. Emma liked it, but she couldn't enjoy it. It was too much feelings coming from a place that she had closed off for so long. She also couldn't shake the feeling that when she expected it the least, Snow would leave her. _Just like every other mother she ever had._

Staying at Neal's was easy. Neal had been helping his father on the pawn shop during the day, so she'd stay alone most of the time. She could eat whatever she wanted, dress however she wanted and no one questioned her. When Neal got home, they'd eat and have sex, and he didn't want to know anything, unless Emma wanted to talk. He'd gladly hear her if she wanted to share stuff, but he knew how bad the woman had been feeling lately, so he didn't push her.

Emma felt more at home there than at her parent's place.

She had been sitting in the couch the whole day, watching TV. She had a mug pressed between her palms, with hot coffee that she had just made. A 90's TV show was playing, but she didn't pay attention. It was already 6 pm, and Neal would be back any moment now. She looked at her phone every two minutes to see if time had already passed.

She wasn't bored and she didn't really miss Neal. The problem was that she was _thinking_. And nothing good ever came out of thinking.

Why couldn't she have what she wanted? Why was everything so hard for her? The only thing she wanted was to see Regina, to hug her even if she didn't feel anything, to hear her laugh and to hear her snarky remarks when Emma did something wrong. She missed Regina more than she had ever missed something her entire life.

_How can you miss something you never had?_ _Something you never felt?_

She needed Neal in that moment. She needed him to help her forget, to help her stop thinking. She knew it was wrong to use someone, but she couldn't help it. Emma was aware that Neal was falling for her and that she was feeding his feelings, even if she felt nothing romantic towards him. She needed him to want her, because she needed him to make her forget. He had been her escape for the last month, and she couldn't help but need him more and more every time.

But she also couldn't help that every time she was with him, she was reminded that he was not Regina. It wasn't just the physical things... It was everything. The way he talked was wrong, the way he walked was wrong, the way he said her name, the way he acted, the way he touched her, the way he looked at her, it was _all_ wrong.

But still, everyday Emma tried to make him more like Regina, so she wouldn't need the woman back. She'd make him mad and angry and jealous, all to see if he answered like her. She'd make him happy, joyful and peaceful just to see if his smile reassembled hers a little more. It didn't. And the more she tried, the more wrong it all got. But that didn't mean she had stopped trying.

She had to try at least one more time.

And that was why she was waiting so eagerly for him to come home.

When he entered the apartment and hang his coat beside the door, the blonde leaped over him, showing a lot more joy and light than she really felt.

"Hey baby! I missed you so much today!"

She knew what was coming. The ironic comment and the "Are you crazy, Miss Swan?", or a laugh and a humorous comment. Or silence and eyes full of promises and feelings. That's what she was expecting.

But none of those came.

What she got instead was a loving gaze and a kiss on her cheek. "I missed you too, Ems. What did you do today?"

The blonde was brought back to reality by the answer. _Where is she? I want her._

Neal went to the fridge and started taking out things to make a sandwich.

Emma stood there rooted to the spot, trying to wrap her mind around what was happening. It was like she watched herself from outside. She was so overwhelmed by need that she only reacted.

She went over to the counter where Neal had put his food, took a plate and threw it on the floor.

She expected screams. She expected anger, madness, fury. She expected violence.

"Emma, are you okay?"

The worried tone on the man's voice was not what she was expecting. It wasn't right.

_It wasn't her. _

_I want her. _

_I need my Regina. _

Emma felt everything crumbling around herself. She felt all the false idea of safety she had constructed over the time that Regina was away fall before her eyes. She saw the mistakes she made, and the pain was so real and cruel, that she knew she was broken.

She turned around and left the apartment without looking back.

* * *

She had been locked in her room for the past three days. She didn't eat, she didn't sleep. She only left when it was necessary. She stayed the whole day in bed, doing nothing. _Only thinking._ She'd think the whole day.

How could she have been so stupid as to throw Regina out of her life? She had been the only one that never expected anything from her. Henry wanted her to be the savior, her parents wanted her to be the baby she lost, but Regina... For Regina, Emma was enough. She didn't want a savior or a princess. She only wanted Emma.

How could she be stupid enough as to hurt the other woman that way? She had thrown her chance away. It didn't matter if she was dead, because it felt _right_. It was beautiful. Being close to Regina was the happiest time of the blonde's life. But it was also the worst.

How could she let her go?

_I never said I loved her._

_I never _loved_ her. I never had the chance to._

She felt so worthless, stupid. If she had been fast enough, smart enough, she would have found Greg and Tamara sooner, and maybe Regina wouldn't be dead. If she hadn't been so afraid, she wouldn't have sent the woman away. They'd still be together, laughing, fighting, doing anything together; d_oing everything together._

_She loved me._

She just wanted to hear Regina scolding her for forgetting to feed Henry, or remembering her to check his homework. She wanted to see the brunette's reproving look when she said a bad word. She wanted to read bad books and watch bad movies. She wanted to dance and hold the woman close, she wanted to hear her sob and share things with her.

And now she couldn't do any of those things anymore, and it was all her fault.

Emma heard someone knock on the door. Ever since she came back from Neal's apartment, no one had bothered her. She didn't know why they weren't all over her, asking what happened, how she was or how they could fix it, but she was grateful for them letting her have her space.

But the truth is that, even if Snow and Charming weren't all over Emma it didn't mean that they weren't worried. _They were worried._

First they went to Neal to see if he knew what happened. He told them what he knew, which wasn't much. They had no idea of what was happening with their daughter. They even went to Archie for an advice. That's why they weren't all over the blonde; because the cricket told them that it was probably for the best that they had her have some time for herself. So that's what they were doing.

But Snow couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to help Emma in whatever she was going through. She couldn't just stand and watch Emma starve herself, not sleep, and just stay all day inside, doing nothing. She couldn't watch her daughter suffer like that. She had to help her baby.

So she was doing something. After knocking and hearing a small "come in", she opened the door. Emma was hidden under two or three blankets. Snow smiled sadly, and went over to sit beside her on the bed. Sitting down, she ran her hands through the blonde hair of her daughter, in a loving way.

"What happened, Emma? Let your mom help you. I… I love you, baby. All I want to do is help you feel better."

Snow felt Emma raise her head a little and place it on her lap. She kept caressing her, and that's when she heard the sobs. That made her much more worried, but as much as she wanted to know what was happening to her daughter, she knew she had to wait for Emma to be ready to tell her whatever problems the blonde had.

Emma was tired of holding back. She let her tears fall freely at feeling all the love from her mother. How could someone love her that much after all she had done? After how stupid she had been? She was tired of pretending that she was ok, because she was not. So she let it go. She cried her worries away; she cried her problems away.

"Emma, I just want you to know that, doesn't matter what happened, I'll always love you and I love you just the way you are. Nothing is ever gonna change that."

Emma cried harder at those words. Having a mother was so different, it was like snow knew exactly what she needed to hear in that moment.

"It's all gonna be okay."

No, it wouldn't. Regina was gone, and there was no coming back.

_She loved me._

_I never _loved_ her. _

How could anything be okay when she wasn't there? When Emma wouldn't see her smile anymore, or hear her laugh, or her voice?

_I want her._

_I need my Regina._

"I just want her, mom… That's all I ever wanted."


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Hello everyone! I'm sorry for the long wait, but it's the end of the semester and college is driving me crazy.

People said Emma was a little too childish, but well, in my point of view, the only time Emma dealt with feelings as strong as the ones she feels for Regina, she was abandoned and sent to jail, so, yeah, she is gonna do everything she can to suppress it all before letting herself get hurt again.

So, here is what happened to Regina while Emma was mourning.

Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"In heaven, all the interesting people are missing."_

**Friedrich Nietzsche**

* * *

Regina woke up in a white soft bed. Her hair was falling in long waves till it reached her waist. She pulled herself up to look around. Looking closer, she realized it was her room in her house. Only that it didn't look like her room. It was so warm and full of life.

There were things she had never put there. A bookshelf, pictures that she couldn't really see who were in them and many children toys scattered around.

_Why are there children toys in my room? _

And then something jumped onto her. It took her some moments to realize it was a small body. It was a child's body, a girl. She was no much older than five years old, and she had long brown hair. The woman couldn't help but put her arms around the little girl as she hugged her waist. When she looked up at Regina, the piercing blue eyes of the girl came to her attention.

"Good morning, Mommy. I've been waiting for you for a very long time."

All the breath was knocked out of Regina's lungs. She looked down at the girl, confused. She wanted to tell her that she had mistaken herself and that Regina was not her mother.

When the little girl saw her confused face, she smiled a little brighter, as if she understood what Regina was going through.

"Lux, don't scare your mother too much, she just woke up."

_That voice_. It couldn't be.

But then he entered the room holding a tray with breakfast. She thought she might be dreaming, but it struck her like lightening.

_I'm in heaven_.

He put the tray on the nightstand and kissed her temple, sitting by her and Lux's side.

"Hey Daddy, Mommy is here. She really came."

"I know, princess. I told you she would come."

Regina could only stare at the two. She was utterly confused; she didn't know what to do.

"Daniel?" She asked hesitantly.

He smiled at her, and in that moment she knew it was really him and not her imagination. She threw herself at him, burying her head on his shoulder. A few tears left her eyes.

"Am I in heaven?" Her voice was small and strangled, but both Lux and Daniel heard it. And then they started laughing. Regina didn't understand why they were laughing, but it was so beautiful that she couldn't help but smile.

"Right now we are home, Regina." He smiled lovingly at her.

_Home?_

That didn't really answer Regina's question. She still didn't know where she was or what she was doing there, but the way Lux and Daniel were looking at her, with so much love and with a smile so beautiful, like she was all they had needed and waited for, made her forget all her questions.

"C'mon, Mommy, I want to show you my toys and the drawings I made just for you!"

Lux was pulling Regina out of the bed and out of the room. She looked at Daniel for some guidance in what she should do, and he just smiled at her. Taking that as a "go ahead", she went after the excited, little girl.

She took the woman to a big room all pink with princesses painted on the walls. The bed was all painted to look like a castle bed, there were also books upon books on a table and lots of toys scattered around.

"Your room is lovely, Lux. Was it your Daddy who made it for you?"

The little girl chuckled. "No, silly, I did it!"

Regina just accepted the girl's answer, without asking anything more. Lux took some drawings out of the bottom drawer and showed them to her mother. The woman sat down on the bed, waiting for the girl.

"Look Mommy! That is me, that's you and then there's Daddy, Grandpa Henry and Grandma Cora." She said, pointing at the sticky figures.

A kind of odd cold entered Regina when Cora was mentioned. She tried shoving it deep down and tried concentrating on Lux jumping around and getting toys and clothes to show her, but the panic was still there.

_What is mother doing there?_ Was she there to mess up her life? She decided to ask the child about it.

"Lux, what is my mother doing here?"

The small girl stopped picking up toys, placing the ones she had on her tiny arms upon Regina's lap. She sat on the bed beside her mother and looked at her with a puzzled expression. It looked like she was trying to make sense out of the woman's question.

"You mean Grandma Cora? Why wouldn't she come here, mommy? She brings me presents and tells me stories about you and she helps Daddy cook!"

The words shook away a little of the worry and fear that Regina was feeling, but still, she'd only believe it if she saw it.

They heard someone knock on the door and they looked back to see Daniel standing there in the doorway. He was smiling at the two of them, and Regina couldn't help but return it.

"Grandma Cora is coming for lunch." He let the words sink in for some moments before going over to them and picking up the little girl. He put some hair that had fallen on her face behind her ear. "Why don't you go take a bath on the big bathtub in Mommy's bathroom while we cook lunch for us all? I already warmed the water and put lots of bubbles, just like you like it, princess."

Lux's smile at hearing his words lit up the whole room. She kissed his cheek, and he put her down. She ran to Regina and put her small arms around the woman's waist and hugged her tight for some moments.

"You are just how I wanted you to be, Mommy. You are perfect and I love you."

Regina's eyes filled with water. She had met the girl barely an hour ago, but her heart was already filled with care and warmth for her. She kissed the top of the kid's head and watched her leaving her room, running for her bath.

Daniel sat down besides Regina on Lux's bed. He put a hand on her leg.

"You don't need to worry. Here she is what you always wanted."

No, her mother couldn't be what she always wanted, could she? She wanted a loving mother. _Was that possible?_

She took a moment to let all the doubts play a little in her mind until she decided to change the subject.

"Who is Lux, Daniel?"

She looked expectantly at him.

"She's our daughter." He covered Regina's hand with his on, looking deeply into her eyes. "We are a family, my love. You, me, Lux, your mother and your father. We all love you more than anything, Regina."

Her heart was overwhelmed by what Daniel said. Everyone loved her? Even her mother? How?

She was enough for people to love her, for once.

She had a family; a loving family that actually _wants _her. She felt her eyes water as emotion overwhelmed her. She was loved.

_But I already have a family that loves me. _

The foreign thought entered her head, but she had no idea where it came from.

_I already had a family? Before coming here? _

_Yes, I had._

No, she didn't have a family before coming there.

Where was she before?

_I don't remember having a family. I don't even remember where I was. How can I have a family and not remember it?_

She felt like there was something really important that she was forgetting, but Daniel was looking at her worried, so she decided to push all those thoughts away.

He pulled Regina up and they went downstairs to cook. The woman didn't really know what to do, so she let Daniel dictate things in the kitchen while she followed his instructions.

The cooking wasn't really organized, but it was still amazing and fun. They laughed, kissed, hugged, and Regina realized she had never been happier than in that stupid moment.

Moments after finishing putting the sauce for the pasta they were making in the fire, Lux came bouncing down the stairs. She was wearing a blue gown that the woman remembered seeing in the little girl's wardrobe. It brought, out the beautiful blue of her eyes. When the kid realized that Regina was watching her, she made a curtsy. Regina made one in return, and her daughter smiled from ear to ear.

Daniel smiled at Regina, encouraging her to go to the kid. The woman went to the little girl while Lux jumped up and down in excitement. She kneeled in front of her daughter.

"Princess, do you want me to fix your hair?" Regina said in the most serious tone she could muster.

Lux's eyes lightened up. "You'll help me do my hair, Mommy?"

Regina's heart fluttered every time the little girl called her that. She felt like she had been with the child her whole life, not just for the past few hours. The girl already had her trapped between her fingers.

"Of course I will." She ran a hand through the brown wild locks. "Let's go upstairs."

She took Lux's hand and they both went upstairs, to the main bedroom, the room that wasn't only hers anymore. It was hers and Daniel's.

The girl sat on the stool that was in front of the vanity. Regina ran her hands through Lux's hair, untangling it. Then she started braiding it, making a beautiful pattern on the child's head, making several braids end up as one.

The brunette girl had her eyes closed the whole time, just feeling her mother's fingers on her head and hair. She couldn't believe that her mother had finally arrived; she couldn't believe she was here, after all.

When the woman ended, the little girl turned around and threw herself on Regina's arms. She held on as strongly as she could. The older woman was a little confused for a second, but she wrapped her arms around the little girl, holding her close too.

"I love you, Mommy." Lux had her head buried in the crook of Regina's head. If the woman hadn't been paying attention she wouldn't have heard it.

She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Since she woke up that day, so much had happened. She still didn't know where she was, but according to Daniel, this was home. And she had a daughter, a beautiful daughter that loved her very much, that wanted her and accepted her, and she couldn't help loving her back. And Daniel, the love she thought she had lost all those years ago, was here now, and he loved her more than anything, and she could have him and be with him. She couldn't believe her luck.

"I love you too."

Then they both heard the doorbell ring, and Lux ran downstairs to see who it was. Regina calmly got out of the room. She knew it was her mother, so she took her time. But when she stepped into the corridor, the door directly to the right of her room came to her attention. She didn't know why, because there was nothing different about it.

She opened it.

But there was nothing in there. The room was just a normal guest room. There was nothing out of the ordinary about it. But there was this nagging feeling in the back of her head telling her that that room in particular wasn't supposed to be like that.

An image suddenly entered her brain. She saw the room, but now the walls were painted blue, books, clothes and some toys were scattered around, a bed on the side and a little boy on it, reading a big old book. She felt a tug in her heart seeing the boy, but she couldn't remember who he was. She knew him from somewhere, but she couldn't remember from where or when she met him.

She shook her head, trying to put those thoughts aside, but, when she opened her eyes again, what she saw was different. The walls were white and there was a big double bed in the middle of the room, leaning on the wall. A blonde woman was thrown on the bed. There was a chair in one of the corners, and some clothes were thrown over it. There was a door to a closet in the corner.

Regina caught herself thinking about how beautiful the woman was. She couldn't see her face, since she had her head buried in a pillow, and after some moments, Regina realized the woman was crying. She also realized that she had already seen that scene, she knew those shades of gold that made the woman's hair; she new the place.

But she didn't know _her_. She didn't know who the other woman actually was.

Those images were leaving her uneasy, so she closed the door and left. Descending the stairs, she saw Daniel putting the food on the table, her father helping him put the table and her mother had Lux on her lap, while the girl showed her the braid in her hair.

It was the picture perfect of everything Regina ever dreamed; a family where everyone was happy, where she was happy.

But then Cora raised her head and saw her. For a second, Regina's heart was filled with a cold feeling. It hurt inside her.

But then her mother smiled. The brightest smile Regina had ever seen, and she knew. She knew her mother loved her and wanted her in that moment. She couldn't hold it anymore, she went running to where her mother was sitting, giving the woman just enough time to put Lux down before Regina threw her arms around her.

Cora ran her hands through her daughter's hair, just accustoming herself to the feeling of having the brunette woman in her arms again.

"I missed you so much, darling. I'm so sorry for everything. I love you, Regina."

Regina couldn't believe what she was hearing. That was all she ever wanted to hear her whole life, and now here she was in her mother's arms hearing that she was loved. She looked at Cora's eyes, and all she saw there was love.

"I love you too, Mother."

Cora smiled and caressed the other woman's face. Regina hugged her mother once more, and after some seconds, she felt small arms wrap around her waist.

"I want hugs too."

Both women let out small laughs and hugged the little girl too. When they separated themselves, Daniel and Henry had already finished setting the table. They walked to the table, but before doing anything else, Regina went to her father hugging him.

"I missed you, my beautiful daughter."

"I missed you too, Daddy."

When they ended the hug, the woman could see tears had fallen from her father's eyes. She ran her fingers through his face, cleaning the tears that were still there.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Henry hugged her once more, not containing any tears.

"Okay, today is a day for everyone to be happy! So, you two, sit down and eat!"

Cora's voice interrupted the moment, but Regina couldn't help but let out a small laugh. Her father laughed too, cleaning his own tears and squeezing the woman's hand lovingly. They both sat down and everyone started to eat.

It was a lovely lunch. Everyone talked and laughed and the food was delicious. Regina smiled, looking at everyone and everything that was happening in that moment. If she could freeze herself in a moment, it would be in that one.

* * *

The days started mending together. Regina was woken up by either Lux or Daniel, they would eat breakfast and play, then make lunch, and Cora and Henry would come and spend the afternoon. They'd leave when it was time for Lux's bedtime and Regina and Daniel would have the rest of the night for themselves.

Lux was like a gift from the gods. She was sweet, gentle, caring, well behaved and Regina loved her more than she loved herself. They would play with dolls, or reenact one of the little girls favorite fairy tales, or Regina would read something to her, or watch a movie, or just run around on the backyard.

The little girl adored her mother. She was her idol, her queen, her best friend, her everything. She loved her parents more than anything, and this was the happiest she had ever been.

And then, there was Daniel. Regina thought she would never have him in her arms again, but still, here he was. She loved him as much as before, and she never seemed to have enough. He was everything she ever wanted and more.

She felt like crying every time she thought about her mother and father. They loved her very much now, and that was what she had yearned for her whole life, and now she finally had it. She made sure to hug them and tell them how much she loved them in every opportunity she got and they always returned it, with a big smile and loving eyes.

But little by little, some things started bothering Regina. Sometimes she'd enter the room beside her own, just to remember the brown-haired little boy, playing with his things.

The blonde beauty with wild eyes would enter her mind more often than not. She tried remembering who she was, where she had met her, but she couldn't. And it was starting to make Regina feel quite panicked.

Sometimes, images of the woman would enter her mind at completely random situations, like something was trying to communicate with her. And every time she saw her, the blonde was sadder.

One day, while she was playing with Lux, Regina saw her beat a man, and she was sure she hadn't seen that scene before. But she knew the man the blonde was beating. She didn't understand what was happening or why, but it all made her incredibly sad.

She ignored that, and kept living her life. She would still sleep with Daniel, be woken up by Lux and lead a perfect day. She still made coffee for breakfast and pancakes for her daughter. Being there, doing all that bugged her a little, but she shoved it to the back of her head and kept living her perfect life with her loving family.

Some days later, she saw the blonde with a man. They were hugging and kissing, and seeing that made a weird feeling take hold of the brunette. But, just as soon as it appeared, it dissipated when she saw the other woman's eyes. Her eyes were just dead. There was no life there, no warmth, nothing. And after seeing that, Regina's day turned gray and all she could feel was a deep sadness that she didn't know why she was feeling.

The woman was in her head more frequently. She woke up and slept thinking about her.

Nothing was the same anymore. Nothing felt right. Kissing Daniel didn't have the same spark; cooking, cleaning, taking care of her family seemed so… off.

It all felt wrong.

Being there felt wrong. But she had no idea why.

The only thing that distracted her enough was Lux. But after some time, not even her beautiful baby girl made her forget the blonde.

Her happiness wasn't as happy anymore. It was the _wrong_ kind of happiness, a _fake_ kind of happiness.

But why?

What was wrong?

Who was the beauty she kept seeing, the woman in her mind, the little boy in the room?

Regina was finishing washing the dishes when it hit her. Another image of the woman. Now she was being hugged by a small woman, and she was crying. She looked so sad that everything Regina wanted to do was find a way to make the blonde happy. She didn't know what to do.

"_I just want her, mom… That's all I've ever wanted?"_

Who did the blonde want?

Regina couldn't take all this not knowing crap anymore. This woman impregnated every awaken thought she had. She had to do something.

Maybe she could even find a way to help the woman.

So, she went after Daniel.

She found him playing with Lux in her bedroom. She knocked on the door. She couldn't help but smile, seeing her lover wielding a broomstick as a sword while her daughter pretended to be a queen training him. She didn't want to interrupt them, but she had to know.

Daniel looked at her, and seeing the distressed look Regina was trying to hide behind a smile he went after her, asking Lux to play by herself for some minutes. He exited the room, led Regina to their bedroom and waited for the woman to tell him her problem.

"Who is the woman I keep seeing?"

He knew that question was coming. He knew Regina would start remembering at some point, and that it'd come down to him to explain it all to her, no matter how much it pained him to do so. He sighed.

"You know who she is, Regina."

Regina looked at him, lost. She knew she had known the woman at some point in her life, but she had no idea of _who _she was or why she kept seeing her.

"I know we met, but I don't know who she is, Daniel."

"Regina, where were you before coming here?" He looked deeply into her eyes. He knew it'd be hard, and it was Regina, he knew she _wanted _to forget.

"I was washing the dishes...?"

Daniel let out a small laugh. "Not before coming upstairs, but before coming _here. _Think."

So she thought.

The last thing she could remember was... The day she woke up to Lux jumping on top of her for the first time. And even that was blurry. She tries harder, but it was all blank.

When she thought she couldn't remember anything more, she felt a deep pain cut through her heart.

Regina started almost panicking. A piercing pain that made her heart ache, but she didn't know the cause. She thought she was going to die.

"You're remembering." That was all Daniel said, looking how distressed Regina was.

"No, I'm not!" Regina couldn't help but raise her voice. "All I can feel is this pain and I don't even know why!"

"That's because that's what you felt in your last memory of Emma."

"Emma?"

And it all came back to her.

It was as if a truck had hit her. She remembered _everything_.

She didn't want to remember. The pain, the regret, the love, the loneliness, the rejection... It was all more than she could take.

"No. Make it stop. I don't want to remember. Make me forget again."

Regina started crying. Her breath started to get really shallow, and she didn't know what to do. Daniel put his arms around her, trying to give her some comfort. If it depended only on him, he'd never make the brunette go through this, but he also knew she needed it.

"You'll never forget Emma, Regina. You can try all the potions, spells or curses in the world and nothing will help."

"No." Regina was shaking her head vehemently. She had to forget. She didn't want to remember the blonde, or her son, or Storybrooke, or the Enchanted Forest. She didn't want it, she didn't need it. "I have to forget, Daniel."

"You can't, Regina." He ran his hands through her hair. He let her get her breath, because he knew the conversation was only going to get harder from here on. "You're bound to her."

"Bound? What do you mean?" She wiped her eyes, trying to pay attention to whatever he was trying to say.

It didn't matter if it hurt; knowing was more important.

He smiled at her and started the speech he had run through in his head several times. "You probably haven't heard of it, but when I was a kid, there were all these stories running around in the village about the two forms of ancient marriage. One was a form of bonding two hearts, two physical bodies, and the other was a form of-"

"Bonding two souls." Regina interrupted him, trying to make sense of things. She had heard something about said rituals, but she also heard it was almost impossible of being performed. "So, my soul is bound to Emma's? How?"

"Bonding two souls is one of the rarest things to happen, Regina. Both persons need to have magic within them, and one of them needs to be about to be lost. And also... True love is involved."

"But, Daniel... You're my true love." She was having a hard time wrapping her mind around things. He was suggesting Emma Swan was her true love, and it was just ridiculous. She knew she felt something, but it wasn't that strong.

After all, everything Regina might have felt was a lie and her love was not wanted, the blonde made sure she knew that. Daniel put his hand on Regina's face, caressing her. "No, my love. I was your first love. Your true love... Situation seems to point that it's Emma. Your magic and your souls were bound when you were about to die, Regina. Do you remember the round scar on Emma's stomach?"

"That's the mark, isn't it? The one that bonds her to her true love?" It was all finally making sense. All the pieces fell together.

She tried not to think so much about Emma being her true love. She wasn't going to lie, she had already thought of that possibility. But the way the blonde treated her... It suggested anything but love.

"But... I don't have a mark."

Maybe that was it. That was the sign that this was all a joke and Regina was not Emma's true love. She had to hold onto that little spark of hope that it was all a huge prank that someone was pulling on her.

Daniel smiled gently. "That's because you are not exactly alive, Regina."

She didn't want to admit it, but he was right. She knew she was dead. That brought another doubt to her head.

"Where are we, Daniel?"

He took her hand between his and took a breath before starting to explain. "Remember when you asked if you were in Heaven?" The brunette just nodded. "So, this is a kind of like that. Actually, there is no such thing as Heaven or Hell. Like a place that you go to after you die or something similar. Here you live another life. The life you always wanted."

So that was why this was all so perfect. Everything she ever thought was impossible to get, she finally got but it was all an illusion. Not exactly an illusion but also a lie.

Did that mean that no one was actually there with her? Her mother, her father, Lux? Even Daniel, that was so loving and gentle, just like Regina remembered, wasn't real?

Daniel seemed to read her mind, when he pulled her chin up, so she'd look at his eyes and pay attention. "Just because it's what you wanted, doesn't mean it's not real. We are all here. Just like you are, I am here, and so are your mother and father and Lux.

The life I always wanted was with you, Regina. I always loved you and I always will. It was the same thing for your mother and father. We were all just waiting for you, because you are what make us all the happiest."

"Who is Lux, Daniel?"

"I don't actually know why she is here with us. She told me that she had a really difficult life with not very loving parents. She died of either starvation or hypothermia, I'm not sure. What I do know is that what she wanted was, in her own words 'a family that would love me very much, a pink room full of toys, and, oh! I also want to be a princess.'"

Regina could actually hear the little girl saying that, and she couldn't help but smile.

She always knew the girl wasn't actually her daughter, but having that confirmed, made all her days there seem a little more fake.

But what would she do, now that she knew all that? She couldn't go back to living her happy oblivious life. What about Henry and Emma? Did she deserve this happiness, this happy ending?

Did she want it?

"You have to choose, Regina."

She looked at Daniel, confused. _Choo_se_? What is there to choose?_

"You are bound to Emma. You can't forget her now that you remember, not even before that you were able to forget. I'm not your true love, she is." He said this all with a hand on her face, smiling. His eyes looked so sad at saying that, that Regina felt a wave of guilt hit her. "You have to choose if you want to go back or if you want to stay. It has to be purely your choice, and once you decide it in your heart, it's settled."

_What?_

Go or stay, that was her choice? Everything she ever yearned for in life, or being beside the woman she loves as a living-dead?

Happiness or love.

That was no choice.

She couldn't pick a side.

It was always like that in her life, she shouldn't be surprised. She could never have everything. She always had to be making concessions or choices.

She wished Daniel hadn't made her remember. She wished she had never met Emma. She wished it was all a dream.

Daniel kissed her temple and left her to think alone. He wanted to give her space and let her decide for herself, with nobody pressuring her to choose.

When he exited the room and closed the door, he saw Lux there, clad in a pink gown with a wand in her hand.

"Daddy?" The girl's eyes were full of tears.

He put her up into his arms. "Yes, princess?"

"Is Mommy leaving?" The tears now were falling freely down her face. _I just got her, she can't leave._

"I don't know, little one. I don't know."


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Hey guys! So, I probably have a lot of apologizing to do. Just to let you know: No, I'm not abandoning this. I'm really sorry that it took me almost three weeks to update it, but college is killing me. It's the end of the semester, and I am just so full of stuff to do that I can barely breath.

So, getting that out of the way, let's get to the fic. I was going to make this huge ass chapter full of stuff, but I didn't have time. I either split it up in the middle and uploaded the first part now to give you guys something or it'd probably take me another week or two to update. The thing is, this is more like a time passage. It's really needed for next chapter not be lost in the middle of the story line, but still. And there's only more 3-5 chapters to go, just to let you guys now.

And I also want to than **Cassy **for being an amazing friend and helping me with this chapter.

Now I'll let you read.

Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

* * *

_"Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. Solid flesh can never live up to the bright shadow cast by its absence. Time and distance blur the edges; then suddenly the beloved has arrived, and it's noon with its merciless light, and every spot and pore and wrinkle and bristle stands clear."_

**Margaret Atwood**

* * *

Emma woke up with a jump as tears ran down her face. It was the third time she woke up like that in a week. She looked at the bedside table.

**12:35 pm.**

She had the same dream about Regina being happy and forgetting her. She was thrown elsewhere, like garbage, forgotten and unwanted.

Exactly like she had done with Regina.

She put her face in her hands, letting herself cry, since she was alone. All she wanted was to see Regina once again and try to ask her forgiveness, to show her that she in fact, only wanted the brunette and no one else, no matter where she was.

Her sobs were getting loud and shaking her whole body.

"Emma, are you okay?"

Emma looked up at the voice to see a woman sitting in the chair in the other side of her room.

Her woman.

Regina was there.

For a second she thought it might all be a trick of her mind. But then, she look at the flick of concern in Regina's eye and she knew it was real.

Emma felt an overwhelming happiness take hold of her body. She got up from the bed and hugged the other woman.

She still couldn't feel her, Regina was still dead. But that didn't mean she wasn't happy that Regina had finally gotten back to her.

_She came back, Regina came back to me._

Regina never put her arms around Emma. She never hugged her back, but it went unnoticed by Emma at her state of excitement.

"You're back! I missed you so much."

Emma had her nose buried in Regina's neck while saying that. She would now show the brunette what she hadn't been able to before, all she thought she would lose. But when she took a step back she realized something was wrong. She looked at Regina's face, searching for the same traits of happiness that she was feeling.

But there was none.

Regina's eyes were dead. She had a smile on her face, looking at Emma, but it was so faked and forced that anyone could see it wasn't a real one. The blonde's smile faltered a little at that, not knowing what to do.

"Whe- where have you been? How did you come back?"

Regina's eyes flickered with life for a second and Emma's smile came back full force to her face. It was like Regina traveled far away from a second, but it was only a moment. Then it was gone.

And she was lost again.

When she looked at the blonde again, Emma felt a part of herself crack at the look she found there.

She found nothing.

"I don't know."

Even the woman's voice was empty.

This wasn't Regina. This was someone else. Her Regina's eyes could tell her everything she didn't knew she wanted to know, but she still found herself discovering. She could see the world in Regina's eyes; she could live only looking at her eyes.

But now, now they were dead.

And before Emma could do anything more about it, her bedroom door burst open and someone walked in.

"Hey Ems."

Oh no. She had agreed to have lunch with Neal and she forgot.

And now here he was.

And so was Regina.

Emma was looking at the brunette, searching for some kind of emotion, and she found it. Anger, hurt and pain. It all painted the woman's features. Emma extended a hand to Regina. She was not sure what she wanted to do, because there was no way she could _fix_ this moment, no way she could explain herself.

The moment she touched Regina's arm, the woman's expression went back to an impassible mask and her eyes betrayed nothing.

Neal grabbed Emma's hand, "C'mon, Snow made a cup of cocoa for you."

He started pulling her out of the door, and she could do nothing but oblige. When she turned around to look for Regina, she saw the woman rooted to her spot, not having moved a muscle since her mask fell back in place.

Emma wanted to turn around, scream at the brunette how happy she was that her best friend had come back, how her life had sucked for the last month and how Regina brought happiness back into her being.

But before she could do any of those things, she was being pulled towards the kitchen by her boyfriend.

* * *

For a moment everything went black and when Regina looked around, she was sitting in a bedroom. But it wasn't any bedroom; it was Emma Swan's bedroom.

_No. I didn't choose this. _

She tried to find out why she had come back, and Daniel's words came to her, "Once you decide it in your heart, then it's settled."

But she hadn't chosen anything. She had to find a way to go back; she knew she would be miserable being here. She wanted her family back.

_Which one?  
_

All thoughts left her head when she saw that Emma was stirring and moving, like she was in pain.

_A nightmare._

The brunette started to debate with herself if she should go to the blonde and comfort her or just stay there.

While she was there debating with herself, the woman woke up and started crying. Ugly, loud sobs filled the room. And that's when Regina remembered, with a feeling of loss and sorrow taking hold of her.

_I shouldn't be here. This is not right. Even if in the beginning it was decided in my heart that I'd come back. She doesn't want me here._

She felt a part of herself, that she didn't even know that still existed, die just like the rest of her.

_"_Emma, are you okay?"

She couldn't help asking. She cared for the woman, even if it hurt and she was decided to not be hurt anymore.

The blonde looked up at her and Regina saw a breathtaking smile take her face, but she wasn't affected by it. At all.

Her body went stiff when the other woman threw herself at her. She didn't know what to do, so she just let the blonde hug her.

"You're back! I missed you so much."

No. That was wrong. Emma Swan wasn't like that. She didn't tell Regina her feelings just out of the blue. She didn't open up, she didn't do this.

_It's a trick.  
_

She said nothing to answer the woman; she just waited until she was done with her lie, playing along. She put a smile on her face, but she couldn't even bring herself to make a decent one.

The confusion on the blonde's face was something Regina wasn't expecting, but she wouldn't let it affect her. Emma covered it with a question.

"Whe-where have you been? How did you come back?"

_I was in heaven._

That was the only thought that crossed the brunette's head. Her family gathered around the table, Daniel looking at her with nothing in his eyes but utterly adoration, Lux being gentle, kind and caring, and her parents hugging her.

_That's not my family anymore. Because of her. Because of Emma. _

_I won't let her take things from me anymore. _

Regina decided she wouldn't tell Emma anything. At least, if only she knew, the blonde wouldn't be able to take the memory of her family away.

_She made me love her and then, she threw me away. Now she owns my heart and I don't have my family. _

Emma was looking at her with a certain kind of disappointment, a loss.

And then, there it was. The trick.

"Hey Ems."

Regina froze hearing that voice. And then everything came back. The anger, the hurt, the pain. The brunette thought she was dying from all the pain. She wanted to kill him in that moment. She was almost doubling over in pain, when the blonde touched her arm and a series of shocks ran down her body.

_This is all her fault. I won't let her hurt me anymore._

"C'mon, Snow made a cup of cocoa for you."

She would be left alone again. Emma would again choose Neal over her, and she wouldn't let that hit her. Not even if she had to not feel anything at all, not even if she had to be dead.

When the blonde left, she was sure that in some seconds she would have to go after her, because of the pull, but she wasn't. So she stayed there, and promised to herself that she wouldn't be tricked or hurt.

But when she was sure the blonde wasn't coming back, she sat down and let herself go to a place where she was happy. With Daniel, with Lux, with her parents.

The only problem is that now, it was all only in her memories.

* * *

She would hardly spend any day with Emma. She had been back for two weeks and she was determined to try as hard as she could to avoid the blonde at any cost.

Emma wasn't herself anymore. At least, she wasn't the same Emma Regina remembered. Every time she woke up, she'd make sure to take Regina to the kitchen and show her the new things she had learned to cook. She'd bring a flower home each day and give it to Regina with a note with scribbled words Emma thought described the brunette. She'd ask the brunette to lie down beside her in the bed before she went to sleep, and all Emma gave as explanation was that she needed to feel the other woman close.

It was not Emma. Regina had no idea what the blonde was trying to do, but she was trying too hard.

For some days she'd almost believe that what the blonde was trying to show how she felt, but then Neal called or took her out to have diner, and Regina would go back to being lost. Lost and hurting.

She would leave her now. She found out that it was not that she wasn't trapped to Emma anymore, but that she didn't have to be as close to her as she used to and Regina used that to her advantage.

She would spend all her days watching Henry, or Pongo.

And that's exactly what she was doing. She was playing with Pongo, the only other one besides Emma who could see her. She made sure to remind herself to buy a dog for Lux when she went back.

The dog barked at her, and she'd get close to him, and he just ran around her, as if dancing. She laughed. That was the first time she did that since coming back.

At first she had been afraid someone would see her acting like a child, laughing and running around a dog, like a commoner. But then she remembered no one could actually see her, so Regina let herself be free. She let the happiness of the moment take hold of her. Something she had never done her whole life.

She spent the whole day there with Pongo. When the night started to fall over Storybrooke, the woman thought about talking to Emma, saying hello and telling the blonde she was still there, and maybe spend the rest of the night watching cartoons with Henry.

She stopped running around and tied her hair in a bun on the top of her head. She cleaned off the grass from her clothes, and was about to leave when she saw Emma and Neal, walking down Main Street, their hands clasped together, her head resting on his shoulder.

_Not again. _

There Regina was again, being shown that her feelings were nothing, meant nothing. She felt as her heart was being squeezed inside her chest, her pain was almost more than she could endure.

She was frozen there, without knowing where to go or what to do, watching as Emma's eyes flicked with the pale glows of the sky, and how she looked at Neal almost... Lovingly.

_She loved him._

Regina watched them walking till they entered granny's, then she sat on a hidden place in the yard, thinking and feeling.

At some point in the night she started crying. She cried the night away, with Pongo's head on her lap, trying to comfort her.

* * *

Emma was trying her hardest to show Regina all she felt, and it was proving to be really difficult.

It had already been a month since Regina came back, and every time she tried to make something nice, it back fired and she ended up with the sinking feeling that she only managed to make Regina's walls go up a little bit higher.

She remembered the way Regina acted on the first few days every time she saw Neal. It was painful for her to see, but she had become somehow used to having Neal to rely on. She knew she'd never love the man, but needed him, like some kind of drug you just can't quit.

Emma did realize how Regina's eyes had only pain in them, how she had started to avoid having any contact with them at all when they were together, and she understood that. But it didn't mean that Emma wanted to stop spending time with Regina because of Neal. All she wanted was Regina, all she loved was Regina, and she wanted to show that, but she couldn't. She was trying her best, but nothing seemed enough.

In the last few days she had stopped going out or seeing Neal, just to try and make Regina spend more time with her. She had had an amazing idea that she was sure to make Regina forgive her.

She went to pick up Henry from school and now both of them were sitting on the couch while Emma waited.

"Mom, what are we doing?" Henry looked at Emma, taking his notebooks out of his backpack to get started on his homework.

"Hm, we... We are waiting. That's what we're doing. Anyway, you better get started on that homework because it'll take a little I think"

Ten minutes later, Emma heard a faint breath behind her. It was too soon for either Snow or David to be back, so she knew who it was. She turned around and smiled, but Regina didn't answer it, but Emma was already used to how she _never_ got an answer to what she did. But she wouldn't give up. She couldn't.

"Hey, come here." Emma was looking at Regina and motioning for the woman to come sit beside her on the couch.

Henry was looking at Emma like she was crazy, and so was Regina.

"Miss Swan, what are you doing?"

But she got no answer to her question. Instead Emma turned to Henry, smiling.

"Uh... Kid, I have something to tell you."

Henry narrowed his eyes, waiting for some kind of lie from her. Emma tried to smile again, but she was too nervous.

_Truth time._

"Well... You know how your mom died?"

A dark expression took the boys face, and Emma added in a single breath.

"I'm seeing your mother."

Regina gasped surprised. She wasn't expecting that.

Henry's face was filled with an even darker expression, filled with sorrow. It didn't suit him at all.

"Mom, that's not funny."

Emma completely ignored him and turned to the woman sitting beside her.

"C'mon Regina, help me here. He'll think I'm crazy if you don't."

Emma could see the hope but also the pain in Regina's eyes. She lowered her head and answered in a strangled voice. "I'm not gonna help you with this Emma."

"Regina, he needs to know! You need him, he needs you! He cries every night because of you, and don't think I don't see it, because you do too!"

"My mom is really here?" Henry's voice was small and he had tears in his eyes.

Emma didn't answer him. She was looking at Regina, trying to make her understand it. Emma took the cold hands between her own, and couldn't help but realize some of the differences in them. Her nails weren't painted, but they were cut and polished. Her once tan skin that contrasted with Emma's now had a deathly glow to it. She lost herself in a moment there, just thinking about Regina and what had changed. What took her out of it was hearing the woman singing.

_"__Hola, mi sol__  
__¿Donde has estado?__  
__Hace tiempo__  
__Que bueno verte otra vez  
_

_Hola, mi amor  
__Eres mi sueño  
__Que he esperado  
__Por la promesa que traes_

_Hace tiempo  
__Hola, mi sol_

_Cada día encuentras maneras  
__Para abrir mis ojos  
__Misericordia y gracia me alumbran  
__Como rayos del cielo__"__  
_

Emma had never heard a voice more beautiful than Regina's. It wasn't those professional voices, but it was so entirely Regina, so different, yet so normal. So beautiful.

When the woman finished, Emma understood what to do, and sang the same lyrics to Henry.

The boy's eyes bulged and filled with tears. When Emma finished, he looked at an empty space behind her.

"Mom?" His voice was tentative and unsure, almost afraid.

Regina's sobs filled the room, but only Emma could hear them. Her body was trembling, and Regina wanted to reach for the boy and hug him, but she kept to herself, because she knew she wouldn't touch him, and that would hurt more than she was prepared for.

"She... She's happy that you know she's here."

At that, a new wave of sobs took Regina. She was trying not to cry, but it wasn't possible. Her son, the one she had always been fighting for, was crying, because he knew she was there. He wanted her. Someone wanted her.

"Mom, I know you are crying, please don't cry."

Regina laughed, cleaning her eyes. "Tell him I'm not crying anymore, Miss Swan."

And that's how it went on for the rest of the afternoon. Emma telling Henry what Regina was saying, and Henry answering, look at the spot besides Emma where his other mother should be.

She couldn't have been happier on the outcome of this particular plan. Regina was smiling and laughing and she hadn't been doing that since she came back. Henry was also happier than Emma had seen in a long time.

Yes, the crazy idea was worth it. Sounding a little insane was worth it. The two most important people in her life were happy.

The conversation stopped a little and Emma felt her eyes filling with tears. She mumbled something about going to grab a tea for Henry and left the room before the tears could escape.

Regina looked at Henry, while the boy's eyes searched the room. She was taking in his older features, his watery eyes, and the happy smile.

"Mom?"

Regina was startled by the sound of his voice. She was really enthralled watching him that she didn't realize he was talking to her. She knew Henry wouldn't hear her, so she just stayed quiet and waited for what he was about to say.

"I… I'm sorry about the way I treated you, it was not right. And I'm sorry I didn't say I love you enough. Because I do, mom. I do love you, a lot. And I hate that now you're gone…" Henry stopped because a tear was falling from his eye. He cleaned it, took a deep breath and went on. "Emma has been acting weird lately."

Regina raised her head at that, not understanding where he was going with that.

"She is… different. She smiles all the time, she buys flowers, she laughs, she jokes… She is so different, mom. And I had no idea why, but now that I know that she is seeing you, I think that maybe you're the reason that she is happy. I love you mom. And I think Emma does too. And I really hope she finds a way to bring you back, because living without you sucks."


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Hello everyone! So, I'm sorry again by the long wait, but now I'm on vacation (YAY!) What means that chapters will probably come a bit faster for you!

So, I hope you all like where the story is going. Next chapter I'll explain the connection between them.

Let me know what you think!

Any mistakes are mine.

Enjoy!

_Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon A Time or any merchandise mentioned in this story. I only own my mind and my ideas for this plot._

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_"Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love."_  
**Mahatma Gandhi**

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Emma was wrong. Oh, so wrong. She thought it all would get better once she told Henry. Regina would forgive her and all the weirdness would be gone, but she was wrong.

Regina had stayed for the next few days. She even went back to talking to Emma and acknowledging she was there. Sometimes Regina would ask her to tell something to Henry, and Henry would just answer, like if he could actually see the woman.

Like everything was normal.

But it wasn't.

Emma was trying as hard as she could to do everything in her power for Regina to stay. She hadn't seen Neal in almost two weeks, dedicating all her time to the woman, but she was failing.

Regina kept drifting away. She started to leave for hours and Emma would just keep looking for her aimlessly. She stopped talking to Emma, unless she wanted to tell Henry something. She didn't share anything. She didn't pay any attention to Emma. She just existed there. It was getting worse than when she got back.

She was fading away, and Emma didn't know how to pull her back.

Then one day, Regina disappeared.

Emma felt lost, not knowing what to do. A strange pain filled Emma for days, until that pain became an unknown sense of relief.

She didn't want to hurt anymore. She didn't want to run after Regina and get nothing in return.

_I give up. I give it all up. Why am I fighting? She doesn't want anything to do with me. I give up. _

She stayed home looking at her ceiling for an entire day, trying to sort out her feelings. She had to shut down all her attempts. All the feelings that she let out that had been unwanted, she had to shove them back in.

_Stupid Swan! Why the fuck would you think your feelings would be wanted?_

_Your attempts were worthless, like every time you try to keep someone in your life. You should have learned by now. _

_Move on, Emma. That's what you do. You move on and you forget. _

Later that night, she got up from bed, put some clean clothes on and went down to The Rabbit Hole. She sat on one of the stools in the bar and waved for the barman to bring her a drink. That's how she was going to forget and move on.

It was the easy way out, but that was the only way out for Emma in that moment. She had too many questions, too many feelings, and too little time to forget about all them.

What better way for you to find yourself than losing yourself altogether?

The next day she went to Neal's apartment and let herself get lost in him. Fucking her problems away wasn't something exactly new for Emma, so she knew it was effective.

She left three days later to go to the grocery store and buy several bottles of beer and vodka. She was moving on with her life, and nothing screamed "moving on" more than booze and sex.

And that was her schedule for the next week: Neal and drinks. She didn't go back to the apartment; she didn't want to see anyone. Most of all, she didn't want Henry to see her like this. She called him daily, took him to school and took him back home, but that was as much as she could take before it all got too much.

Emma avoided anyplace she could see Regina, and that's also why she wasn't getting close to Henry, because she knew Regina was with him. She asked him to tell Regina for her not to take him to school, because Emma didn't want to see her, and Regina complied.

For the next week everything was good between her and Henry, until Regina started to show up to take him to school too.

Emma tried to avoid her as best as she could. They wouldn't talk; they wouldn't even look at each other. For Emma, just being that close to her already hurt. Regina, on the other hand, didn't even knowledge the blonde. She'd just accompany them till they got to school, nothing more, but all the "moving on" progress Emma had made in the last week went down the drain.

So, she tried a different approach.

Saturday night Emma had been waiting for Regina at home. Henry was with Neal, Snow and David were already in bed and she had asked Regina if they could watch a movie._ "_Like we did before, Regina. It'll be fun, promise" had been Emma's words. She got only a nod in response.

That was the last time she saw Regina, and that conversation had been on Thursday.

Emma had invited Regina to get some answers, to try and be friends, to try and move on, but she knew Regina wouldn't show up. She was supposedly trying her hardest to forget her, but she had no idea if that was what she was actually doing or if she was just fooling herself. Now, there she was, almost 2 am, on her 8th beer, already tipsy, waiting for the woman she was sure wouldn't show.

She was trying to be as silent as she could so Charming and Snow wouldn't wake up, but she couldn't keep herself from cursing Regina. What hadn't Emma done for her? She gave her gifts and all the free time she had. She gave her Henry. And it still wasn't enough. She was running out of ideas to make Regina stay.

Where had she gone wrong? What had she done that Regina couldn't see she was really trying?

She needed an answer.

So she did the only thing she thought might get her an answer from Regina.

She finished her beer and grabbed the bottle of vodka she had bought for special occasions, put on her red leather jacket and left the apartment. She knew she wasn't drunk, but she wouldn't risk getting her car. So she walked.

She walked, taking gulps of the vodka in her hand with a very specific direction in her mind. She wasn't worried about someone seeing her, because she was probably the only person on all Storybrooke to be awake by this time, so she was biding her time.

One hour later and half of the vodka bottle gone, Emma was in front of the 108 on Mifflin Street. She smirked, and proceeded to grab the door keys on her pocket.

"Shit."

No keys. She had her hands buried on her back pockets, then on her jacket pockets, and nothing. They came out empty. She tried once again, just to be sure, but nothing.

"Damn it, Swan!"

She put the bottle down and ran her hands through her hair. _What the fuck do I do now?_

She looked at the door and around, trying to remember if Regina had any sparing keys hidden somewhere, but she knew there wasn't because _her_ key was the spare key.

She was almost turning back and leaving when an idea struck her. She took some steps back and looked at the door. She was not about to go back to the apartment just to get the keys, and her foggy mind was screaming at her that this was the perfect way out.

She ran as fast as she could in the direction of the door, throwing all her weight at it. She had to try it three times for it to work, but when it did the door opened more easily than Emma had expected, and she lost her balance and fell on the floor.

_Fuck me. This is just great._

She took a moment or two to curse then feel proud of herself for actually managing to open the door in her enebriated state. She got up and went back out to retrieve her vodka bottle. She turned on the lights of the mansion and started looking around.

It was all so normal. It was as if Regina was just sleeping upstairs. As if she'd come running downstars, screaming at Emma for ruining her door, but Emma knew she wouldn't.

Pain filled Emma's heart, and for a moment she just stood there not knowing what to do, but that pain suddenly evolved into something else; something far darker, but at the same time much more alive.

A wicked smirk took Emma's face, and her eyes gleamed. She looked around and went for the first vase she found. She grabbed it and threw it across the room, laughing. She proceeded to do that to every mirror, picture frame, glass, everything that could be broken.

"C'mon Regina! Come look at your lovely mansion and what I'm doing to it!"

Emma was screaming at nothing, as she threw another vase at the wall.

"Regina! Come here! Give me a fucking explanation of why you had to fuck up my life!"

Emma went to Regina's study and started taking everything off of the walls and throwing it on the floor. She started smashing several things that were on Regina's shelves and she didn't care about any of it. She was so angry, so angry...

Emma had been keeping it all bottled in since Regina got back, but now it was all too much for her to take. Her heart was hurting too much, she was too angry, too frustrated, too drunk, and she didn't know how to take it all out.

So she took another frame and threw it out of the window, turning around as the glasses hit her.

"C'mon, fucking damn it! Take responsibility at least once for what you do in your life and show up!"

She got to the last picture frame; it was on the last shelf on the wall. Emma took a second to admire the picture, of a young Henry and Regina hugging him. They were both smiling at the camera. He must've been seven or eight years old in the picture.

She closed her eyes as she lifted the frame, ready to throw it at the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Emma turned around to see a fuming Regina.

She smiled wickedly and kept her eyes locked with Regina's as she threw the picture to the floor.

All stayed silent after that. Time seemed to stand still.

And then Emma felt herself slam against the wall, and Regina's hands were around her neck, choking her.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance."

Emma didn't know _this_ Regina. Her eyes burned with an unseen anger, and Emma realized she was probably in front of the Evil Queen in that moment. Regina's hands were cold against her neck, glass-like, but the grip was visceral, and she didn't have much air left.

"Kill me then." Emma was looking Regina in the eye, defying her. "Kill me. Maybe I'll be able to fuck up your life on the after-death, like you fucked up mine."

It was as if Emma's words burned Regina. All the fire in her eyes were gone, and she looked at her hands with an horrified expression. Emma watched as Regina turned around and ran her hands through her hair.

"NO!" Emma screamed once Regina started to leave. "YOU DON'T GET TO LEAVE NOW!"

Regina stopped. Emma didn't know what the other woman was feeling, but she could feel the anger inside her growing. She couldn't be walked out on again. She couldn't have Regina leaving her once again.

"You know what, Regina? Why don't you fucking kill me! It's not like you haven't already killed me, anyway! You made me run after you like an idiot! I did my best for you, but my best is still not enough! You made me love you, and then you kept leaving me and throwing me aside like everyone else in my life! So, come on, Regina, kill me! My love for you is killing me already."

Emma knew she only said all that because of the alcohol, but the anger inside her was so much that she would try anything at this point to make it stop. Every word she said was true, and she couldn't keep it in anymore. She couldn't live with herself without doing something about it. This was not the best way to change her situation, but it was the only one Emma had the courage to try.

"No…" Regina's voice was calm… Too calm. "No, you don't get to say you love me. You don't get to say you feel something for me after you made me leave!" She turned around and started walking till she got in front of Emma. "I put my walls down for you! I opened myself up for you and you rejected me! You didn't want me. You made that very clear when you told me to leave so you could fuck Neal!" Regina was screaming at Emma now. If she could cry, tears would be running down her face.

_Oh shit._

Emma was stunned. The pain and hurt in Regina's eyes made her realize how much she had fucked up. To this moment she hadn't thought about the real extension of her actions. Regina kept screaming at her, but Emma had zoned out.

_I hurt her. A lot. More than everyone ever did. It doesn't matter how hard I tried, I hurt her too much. _

Emma felt her heart break once it finally sinked in that all the hurt Regina felt in that moment was she who had made her feel.

"I gave up my happy ending! I gave up my heaven for you! And I got here, and there you were with that man, playing happy family with him and Henry! What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to feel? Huh?"

_What did I do? _

Emma's eyes filled with tears, looking into Regina's. She needed to find a way to ask for Regina's forgiveness, to make her see that she regreted it all, that she was an idiot, a fool. Emma needed to show her that _this_ was all she wanted, that being with Regina was all she wanted. That she never intended to hurt Regina that much and she'd do everything in her power to make her feel loved.

"Tell me then, Emma, what should I do now? Because I died and I gave up my heaven for you."

Regina was looking at Emma, waiting for her reaction. So she did the first thing she could think that would make Regina believe her.

Emma grabbed Regina's face and did the one thing she had wanted to do since she saw her for the first time.

She kissed Regina.


End file.
